


One For Sorrow - Magpies and Bells

by Howlynn



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Bluffing or not, Canon-Typical Violence, Drama, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drinking, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jealousy, Lies, Loss, Moral Dilemmas, Other, Pining, Pining for series 9, Robbie lewis is a mature sex god, Rows and misunderstandings, Rumors, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Threesome - F/M/M, Trust, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, Workplace Sex, a lake of whisky with a knife, james hathaway is not always nice, typical Laura Hobson snark, watercooler gossip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-09 21:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 32
Words: 36,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4365545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howlynn/pseuds/Howlynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James is not having much luck coming to terms with Robbie and Laura's upcoming nuptials, of which he is expected to play best man.  One drunken night he tells Robbie the deep dark secret of what he really thinks of that idea, then nearly gets what he asked for.  Laura has a plan, but implementing it may lead to disaster.  There is plenty of pining, conflict and humor.  Innocent turns her little circus over to the new guy and he manages to get the wrong impression of just about everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_This came to me as I re-watched a few episodes and happened to run across a few hints dropped for the new season. I loved the line the old allotment guy said to Robbie, ‘You trust what you know about them.” And what Jean said to Hathaway, “You can only find out how strong a friendship is if you test it until it breaks.” So stir in Robbie and Laura taking the next logical step in their relationship and Jean retiring (Which we all know they won’t show – it will just take place off camera – sniff – going to miss Rebecca Front) and the delicious New CS Moody (Played by Steve Toussaint) We see James has a sister and a father who are alive – and no way could that not cause some plot bunny hopping a bit. I do not own any of these characters other than a few toys I invented whilst playing in Mr. Dexter’s sand box. This story is purely for my own – not for profit – entertainment and writing exercise. It is published for critique and not meant to be used in whole or part for commercial gain or copied. So – be warned – it is dark in places and if you are trigger happy about well basely anything, I am not the writer for you. Go away and read about bubbles and rainbows – detective shows are not going be your thing. This is a slash pairing and though it isn’t explicit play by play – there are adults doing adult things. (That is code for threesome, cheating, and rumpy-pumpy) It is canon that a woman burned out the eye of a priest as well as seduced James only to set him on fire – If you can handle that – you should be fine with funny business –LOL. Thanks for reading._

 

One for sorrow,

Two for joy,

Three for a girl,

Four for a boy,

Five for silver,

Six for gold,

Seven for a secret,

Never to be told.

   DI Hathaway stood in the alley car-park indulging in his favored vice looking up at the sign painted with a single magpie watching him with the bright glass eye someone had glued to the wood. His own eyes throbbed with the discontent in his heart. He knew this was coming. Of course they would marry and who else would Robert ask to be his best man?

He’d done the polite thing. He always did. He’d pretended joy and smiled and kissed Laura’s cheek and put on a great stonking show of how pleased he was for Robert. He’d teased him for taking so long and told Laura that she should be sainted for her patience with the thicky Geordie lot.

Laura was beaming. Innocent teared up then cast a furtive glance at him that conveyed with a single tilt of her head that he’d never fooled her and he detested her for a split second as he felt her unspoken pity wash him in understanding at his sorrow. 

It was over. He had no option but to face that Robert would never choose four for a boy over the three for a girl. Robbie’s heart was closed to the obviously pathetic hopes that one day James would be more than a best man and somehow morph into a great love requited. James sucked the smoke deep into his lungs and held it, willing the poison to destroy him faster. 

The bells of Oxford rang in the distance and James closed his eyes to listen. Great Tom chimed in, calling him eight times to duty and death and prayer and a wedding. For his sorrow and secrets he thought with a wounded smirk touching his expression. Innocent was standing a few feet away when the ringing ceased, finally prompting him to open his eyes. 

“Is there anything I can do, James?” she asked with timid voice overflowing with kindness. 

James took another deep drag and sighed a billow of smoke into the night air. He shook his head and tossed the fag away only to light another. “No. Really, thanks, but can we just pretend you are already retired and let the case of you always being in the know go cold this one time?”

She stepped closer and put her hand on his shoulder. “That depends. Can you?”

“I haven’t any choice. He made his. Please, Ma’am. Let this go.”

“Are you sure he knew the options? Have you ever actually told him?” Jean asked softly.

“Seven for a secret, never to be told,” James responded. “One and seven – those are my numbers. Two and four avoid me…always..”

They both turned at the sound of footsteps and a banging door. “There you are? The two of you in a dark alley. I fear for me life. Am I interrupting a clandestine tryst?” Robbie Lewis said then chuckled at both of the aghast expressions that greeted him. 

“Ahh, so either I’ve hit the nail on the head or you were scheming about me. No Stag do. I’m too old for that nonsense, “ Robbie cheerfully admonished.

“Damned, Thwarted by the best, Sir.”

“Don’t act like a tryst is so farfetched, Mr. Lewis. I am a free agent these days, you know. There is a certain charm in the whole cougar mentality,” Jean deadpanned.

“Good thing you arrived in time to save my virtue. Ta for that.” James added sincerely enough that Jean slapped his arm. 

Robbie’s eyebrows rose in mock shock and he pointed back toward the door. “Half the nick is in there debating where one or the other of you have disappeared to. I could set their minds to ease if you like? Tell them my work wife is out here bucking for a promotion with the Chief? Make for your last few weeks to be rather exciting, I’d imagine. Be the talk of the station until the day James follows us into the great pensioner’s mist.” 

“As attractive as the center of untoward office gossip sounds, I’d hoped for a more discreet sort of arrangement for the end of my shining career. A dignified exit is more my style. Tempting as it would be to allow the former Mr. Innocent to catch wind that a certain tall blond half of the dynamic duo set his sights on my person, I would find it annoying to bury James’ career in the bogs after you put such effort into housetraining him. No matter how sweet the revenge.” Innocent responded in her most superior voice. 

James grinned and winked at Robbie. “Camera phone. sir.”

Robbie looked confused then seemed to catch on with a sly grin. He brought up his phone and nodded.

James moved toward Jean with a sure smile and took her in his arms as if he knew every inch of her. 

“What the hell are you doing, Hathaway?” Jean demanded.

“Just cutting out the middle man. Let the bastard squirm, Ma’am. Ready, Robbie?” James asked, never talking his eyes off Jean.

James’ hand cupped her cheek and his eyes half-closed as he tilted his head and met her lips in a perfect Hollywood-romantic kiss. The alley saw three bright flashes before James pulled back with a smirk and whispered, “Now think what would happen if that was a glossy eight by ten on your office door tomorrow morning and look at Robert as if we just got caught!”

Jean looked horrified and the image Robbie captured would have made knees wobble had Jean Innocent truly been the subject of a scandal. 

“Got it.” Robbie said and showed the subjects their work with a conspiratorial chuckle. 

Jean’s brows furrowed, “Again. What the hell do you think you are doing?”

Robbie answered, “Not a damned thing, Ma’am. At least not without your word.”

“Just thought Mr. Innocent should know that you are not sitting at home pining for him. That he’s lost the best thing that ever happened to him and it’s not even a blip on your radar.” James kissed her on the cheek and shrugged with a shy smile and twinkling eyes.

“Moved on to bigger and certainly prettier things.” Robbie added.

“Bit of a childish plan, but you don’t have many opportunities to kick a true narcissist, unless you know what they care about.” James volunteered with a casual superior tone. 

Robbie chimed in, “Saw him out to dinner last week. She’s hideous, if I may be so bold. Too much make-up and chews gum like a …well, at least she’s out of nappies.” 

Jean stood silently considering her options. The boys awaited her orders. A huge naughty grin spread across her face. “Oh, for God’s sake. I am glad you two are my friends. Yes. Do that and then keep mum. Conclusions are always more salacious than facts in my experience. Though, Hathaway, if this goes wrong, it will all be on your shoulders. Are you sure you can stand the implications? Robbie and I won’t be there to protect you if this goes pear shaped down the road. He might use it against me to try to embarrass me.”

James smirked and replied, “I think it will be more fun than the whispers that I am dangerously heartbroken over my former governor’s impending nuptials. I’d be happy to frame it and put it on my desk. Sleeping my way to the top seems more romantic than a pathetic sod topping himself over unrequited gay love, don’t you think?”   

A look passed between Jean and Robbie. They should have found the comment hilarious. So, they both had heard the bloody rumors too. Some were a razor’s edge from the truth. Bit of a surprise, Robbie not being the gossip-whisperer. James wondered if Laura had filled him in on the whispered water-cooler chinwag circling the Nick like buzzards.


	2. Chapter 2

Lizzy took it upon herself to keep him apprised of such matters, particularly when he was the subject. It had become a routine, presented as matter of fact as his morning coffee. “Sir, I was just rather rudely informed that if I value my life, that I should request transfer. Seems there was a ‘Lethal Weapon’ marathon on this weekend and you are about to go Riggs on us all. Should I mention that I am too old for this shit?” She’d teased.

“Good advice. You got the short stick when you drew your lot for Gov’nor. It was my winning smile and compassionate warmth that drew you in to the lion’s den,” James said in bored deadpan, never looking up from his computer. 

Lizzy gave him a roll of the eyes and a mirthful snort as she plopped his coffee down. “More like your Guv begging me not to leave you and CS Innocent’s generous offer of hazard pay. I needed the extra cash…Sir.” She had gotten quite nimble at taking the piss with him, no longer terrified of his cool mask or his gruff bearing. 

She had dismissed it with a laugh, but it wasn’t a completely false assessment. He was testing fate here and there. Every time he took one of those little life risks, Robbie noticed, then pretended it didn’t happen. When he had stood at the edge of the woods, daring a sniper with an easy shot, it was a test. It was followed by his reckless frustration of the others caution when he just went to confront what he thought might be a wounded armed hunter turned fugitive in a hole. The scary woodsman happened to be dead, but James had heard and ignored Robert’s warning as he called his name, voice two octaves higher thanks to stress. Robbie knew but he couldn’t see. Now he was dogging the path and James had just thrown a blood trail right to his own heart.

James had admitted it all in his own way to other people.

“What a lot you know?” Phillipa said after he’d decided she really wasn’t the killer because he’d given her perfect opportunity to prove she could be. She could have offed him in the library. She could have invited him home and set him on fire which of course wouldn’t be very original, but neither was arsenic poisoning, unfortunately, or getting shot, stabbed or locked in an air tight space and left to suffocate. Good times, indeed. 

“Not about the important stuff,” he’d tossed back without explaining. She was a mirror not a potential friend. 

He didn’t know the things he wanted to know the most, like how to make an older Geordie copper fall for him rather than the beautiful, brilliant and safe as houses, Laura Hobson. No, James understood more about a person in a hopeless love than he could admit to Philippa Garwood. That meant he could not abide the fact that someone so full of wisdom could be as stupid as he himself was. 

Con to Don, Simon Flaxmore even had the loyalty and undivided love of his devoted employee, and she got her man, yet James could not get his. Ironic really, he’d always tried so hard to do what was right and he found it to be the path of destruction yet here he still stood, a peregrino on the Camino in search of forgiveness. 

His first time at Robbie and Laura’s home after his promotion had been a special treat. 

“Not going to be one of his voyage-of-discovery meals is it?”

“Why? What do you discover?” Lizzy asked.

“Usually that you’re not very hungry.“ 

Robbie knew then. He’d wanted to talk to James.

“You okay?”

“Nothing has more strength than dire necessity.” James had blurted.

And Robbie had understood in some way. He had. “It doesn’t work like that, man.”

But, the girls had made sure things were kept on the upbeat. “You two finished yacking?”

And Robbie responded cryptically, “Not for a long time.” 

It was true. They had not made time to sit together and not talk to their hearts content for ages. There was always work, and Laura and Lizzy and his own moody cheek bordering on belligerence getting in the way. That was his fault. He couldn’t face it all. James got past that lovely night of bonding by closing off and playing the polite guest, not for his sake, but for theirs. His friends? His heart was in agony watching the domestic comfort he would never know. Not something he could share with Robert even if they’d made the time. 

_ Luke 8:6- Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. _

He was happy for them. He tried very hard to be anyway. Did it have to include his mind being filled with images of innocent kisses and sweet touches parading all for his torment? It wasn’t a surprise that Jean could figure it all out. It was a surprise and maybe a letdown that the man he adored beyond all reason was so painfully oblivious. 

He’d really ramped up his game on the Lawrie case. Pushing the man to focus away from Lewis and onto him, or so he’d thought. Traipsing all over Oxford as the only copper attempting a trip to the loo alone these days. Orders were, only in pairs. Sent Robbie and Lizzy off together and they didn’t notice him always solo. Didn’t matter, he nearly got Lizzy killed egging the man on. Sent Lizzy to interview a mousy psychopath.  He’d tried to let it be him caught out and taking the blow for the next guy but he was chasing the wrong absolute entirely. He grumbled at Lewis for not going with her but he was really just incredibly frustrated. 

He dreamed of a crazed woman with a needle and the smell of crushed flowers like a funeral. He longed for to it have been the ending. Maybe a son, student and boyfriend would have been spared. If the needle had just gotten past the foam he would never have been on the next case to push Adam Tibbit and even if he’d still ended up dead, it would not have been on James’ soul.

He’d prayed for them on The Way. All of them. Will, Silas, Adam, Briony, Jess Lake, A murdered little girl he’d found too late in a cistern, Zoë Kenneth, all his burdens, old and new. He prayed for Vicky, so beautiful and frightened, who he had failed more than anyone, who in her last seconds had wanted the comfort of the words he could say by muscle memory alone, who held his hand so tight and to whom he had offered nothing. 

He’d even prayed that sometimes science didn’t know everything. 

“Everything we are - love, hate, anger, jealousy, desire... “

“ Desire? “ His eyes had flicked guiltily to Robbie for a split second when Robbie had said the word out loud.

“ Ah, the need for a mate whereby we can propagate our mitochondrial DNA. It's about as basic an instinct as you can get.” 

He asked, “And the soul? 

Dr. Joshua Ezrin looked at him like a wayward pupil, “Sorry, there is no ghost in the machine. When the machine stops, we stop.”

He wanted to stop. That was a sin too, but he could not shake it. 

“Moored. Horses are tethered; boats are moored.” he’d told Lewis. He wondered what the terms for untied souls could be other than damned. 

_ 'Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is... ' somewhat repetitive. _

He walked a wobbly line with his soul, and he knew it. Intent carried as much weight as action. He could place the metaphorical noose around his own neck and still find peace but if he kicked the chair, it was damnation. 

He could have happily gone years ago. If he’d known the road ahead, he might have not fought that day of the crushed flowers. Oh not noticeably, just relaxed his arms enough to give her the edge. A centimeter of foam made it possible for Robbie to be able to tease him that he’d have gone to see a psychic cat killer to have a word with James. If James would have died, he knew Robbie would have focused on conviction and been unable to speak his name for years. 

It was so self-indulgent to remember seeing the fear in Robert’s eyes. It had been rather bitter sweet. It meant Robert Lewis cared and yet it meant that James’ last act would probably have destroyed the man he loved. 

So when Robbie retired he’d walked. He’d gone all the way to Cruz de Fierro with a rock. He’d scrawled ‘Lewis’ on the white stone and written on the back, ‘I am not for you after all.’ 

He had put that burden on the pile of stones, prayed for his burden to be left behind and walked away. It didn’t work and he’d realized as he sat on the hill looking over Santiago that he could not ask for forgiveness when he went to the Cathedral. 

He was damned beyond salvage and so he had instead gone to the University and obtained as much information as he could on how to establish the post mortem interval (PMI) using the technique they developed. He’d sent the information to Laura in an Email along with an invitation to call the professor with any questions or to visit in person if that were convenient.

He had been unable to send a single word to Robbie. Laura would tell him and together they would know his location and that he was a very long way from home. 

He’d then turned around and walked back the other way. He was no pilgrim, more like a Flagellant bleeding for his own never-ending sin of envy.   A thousand miles penance had not healed his soul but had just toughened his feet and his heart with callous. 

They had been living together by the time he got back. 

He ignored their calls and sat his exams. 

He worked every waking hour looking for the next crazy with a needle full of Etorphine A heritage to good coppers is to end in valor. His legacy to Lewis and Morse and Thursday – to buy it in the line of duty and meet their souls with thanks. 

It would have been better if Robbie had not swooped in to save the day and called it ‘taking a break from his retirement.’ Robbie would have gotten one of those awful calls or Laura would have gotten a shout and come home to tell him gently. They would say how sorry they were and yet it would have been out of his hands and Lewis would have only gotten the white-washed version. The platitudes of words ringing like death bells, just pleasant sound and dusty magic for the ones left behind.   

He’d kept his distance. It would have been easier for Robert if it had stayed that way. He’d already buried one bagman. That one, Robbie had at least kissed. 

What he’d learned on the Camino was that truth need not get in the way of truth. . 

Nick Dugger,a fellow traveler, had told him the truth. “Die for something or someone or bloody do it alone. That’s me, mate. Got the cancer, see. Nothin’ like a Kiwi with a death wish and just enough cash for beer and a few stars? Pray for me.” 

Nick had walked with him and they had been oblivious to the storms and the warnings the mere mortals must heed, laughing at death and demanding it. They found elation and camaraderie out there sailing too close to the wind and living in the moment. It was the purest happiness James had ever felt.

One night in Itero del Castillo at an old church with only twelve beds called Hospital de San Nicolas, Nick bedded down after a simple meal, a great deal of wine and his evening dose of morphine. He never woke up again.

James opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was Nick looking at him with clouded corneas, just three feet between the beds.

_ (To apply this technique the researchers analyse initially potassium, urea and hypoxantine (a DNA metabolite) concentrations present in the vitreous humour of the eye of the human cadaver, and introduce these figures into a computer programme. “The equations we have developed now make it possible for us to estimate the PMI more precisely than before, and provide a useful and accessible tool to forensic pathologists that is easy to use” José Ignacio Munoz Barús, one of the authors of the study, explains to SINC, and who is also a specialist doctor from the Institute of Legal Medicine at the University of Santiago de Compostela)** _

James bid him a final Buen Camino and traveled on. 

Hathaway placed his ‘Lewis’ Stone at Cruz de Fierro but he’d also placed Nick’s next to it and he’d then cried for two hours. 

<http://www.science20.com/news_releases/forensics_what_eyes_can_tell_us_about_time_death>

He’d taken Nick’s words to heart. It was why he’d come back and sat his OSPRE. Who could be a better copper than someone with nothing to lose and nothing to gain?

He is addicted to it, needs it to keep from screaming and now he is standing in this alley making light of the fact he knows he is wrapped in bells and flowers and there are no consequences to worry about any longer because he accepts his fate. 

But this night in this ally, he knew he’d given the game away to DI Lewis. Those blue eyes were in puzzle solving mode. His face relaxes into a theory. All that’s left is the interrogation. 

Lewis meets his eyes covering the anger bubbling under his next statement, “I have seen you in your smalls at the pool, lad. If I believed for a second that you were gasping for a taste o’ the likes, I have to bear witness that you undoubtedly have the bollocks to have made mention sometime in the last ten years.” 

It was said as a joke, but the tension made it more a challenge. 

James smirked then said in his most cocky fashion, “The coward dies a thousand deaths, Sir. However, bravery is debatable in the terms of facing the wrath of Hobson, so I suggest you press send and that we ascend back up to the party before we are the focus of her ire. No bride wants to celebrate her engagement alone. After you, Sir.” He says laying on his inebriation a bit thicker than is truth. 

Robbie hands James his phone. “You’re better at the donkey work than I ever was. Mr. Innocent is in there under Lowlife. Sorry, Ma’am.” 

Jean laughs and says with appreciation, “I should promote you if you were not a consulting detective. Come on Sherlock and pasty Luther… Into the breach then?” She steps through the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Robbie waits, holding the door for James, face full of thunder. “At your convenience, soft lad, we need to talk.” 

James looks up at Robbie from sending the photos. He hands his phone back and stands in the doorway briefly. “No, Robert. We don’t. You think you want answers out of habit. The only tale I have to tell is this…” He bends his face to Lewis and kisses him hard on the lips. Groaning slightly in regret as he pulls away. He whispers right in Robbies ear, “It’s all true. I am a coward and a fraud.”

“Hathaway!” Robbie exclaimed.

James smiled as if he is in pain, “All the answers in one fell confession. No need to pretend to be so surprised. You always were the brains and you will figure it out.” 

James barely made it upstairs before he offered his regrets and made a quick exit. 

Robbie tried to follow him but James threw a dismissive, “You owe me a pint soon!” over his shoulder and waved him off as he strolled quickly up the street. 

Robbie tried not to look shell shocked as he made his way back upstairs.

James was in the offy deciding between vodka and whisky when his text alert chimed. 

It was Robert. ‘Coming to yours after the do. See you then.”

Whisky it is. 

He’d made a large dent in the bottle when the knock came three hours later. He rose from the couch and stumbled toward the door. “Robbie. What a pleasant surprise.” he said with a cheeky grin.

“I texted you.” Robbie said with disapproval at the state of him. “See you used the time wisely.” 

“Indeed. Best just get on with it. Join?” Hathaway asked flopping on the couch and pouring a generous, actually near overflowing, glass for Robbie and refilling his own.

“You’re too pissed to talk. What is wrong with you?” Robbie asked with irritation.

James giggled. “I was told a while back that nothing was wrong with me. I needed to hear that so much. Guess who said it.”

“James. I’ve no bloody idea. But there is…”

“I went home with her and she held me and promised me that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. Then she tried to burn me alive. But the best part is that once in my life, for a few minutes, someone let me believe that. I have no idea why you bothered to save me. You want to talk? Tell me that. Why did you bother? Hmm?” James demanded as if he were actually just curious. 

Robbie took a long gulp of the whiskey. “How much have you had?” 

“Mmmm. Not enough.” James raised his glass and downed it. 

“Christ lad, are you trying to kill yourself?”

“That’s the rumor. I'd say not officially but smoke fire and all that rot.” 

“Why?” Robbie asks in a neutral voice. 

James laughs. “Don’t. I don’t want help and I’m not going to harm myself and I don’t want saved. Got it?” He points at Robbie, his face suddenly quite sober and intense. 

Robbie met his eyes holding them and assessing him for the first time in a long time. “What happened on this long not-a pilgrimage walk of yours? That’s where all this started. The James I know didn’t come back. What happened out there, lad? Please, I’m just trying to understand. You come back. Never have a moment to spare for me, go back to the very thing you said you had to get away from like a junkie chasing a fix and everything about you is…like you only wear black now and you are so bloody superior. What changed? You left without a word and next I know you’re just…”He waved his hand at James as further explanation. “…This!” 

James lit a cigarette. The smoke billowed out his nose. “It wasn’t in Spain that I changed. It was here. I walked a thousand miles there and back and I still can’t find …anything. It didn’t work. It wasn’t enough penance. So I came back to the only thing I had left. I’m not going to kill myself, I just refuse to put my survival above anyone else’s. It’s not the same thing and you can’t even criticize because you taught me and I saw it in you whether you admit it or not.”

Robbie sipped his drink. “I guess I can’t deny you that one. But I lost the only thing that mattered to me at the time and it took me a long time to get settled with that. There was an event that made me that way. What do I not know?” 

James smirked, “Grammar and spelling, mostly.”

“Very funny. Go on with you, then?”

“There’s not much to tell. There wasn’t one death that did it, but several. People I pushed, people I didn’t push. But one way or another, my actions ended lives. I am trying to make it stop…but it just never does. So I keep on, for now. That’s all.” James shrugged unable to explain more.

“Okay. Tell me this, in all honesty, how much of this is my fault? Have I done something that’s caused this or added to it? I mean, you know what I have heard and…well…it was probably just a big joke but…you kissed me. It didn’t feel like a joke.”

“No. It didn’t. It wasn’t.”

“What was it then?”

“I kissed Jean too. She’s not here grilling me.” James squinted and looked around as if he was suddenly unsure. “She’s very sneaky. Maybe we should clear the flat, just to make sure?”

“Just you and me, lad. Promise.”

“I liked kissing you more, sir.” James laughed gleefully at the look of disapproving shock Robbie gave him for a split second.

Robbie couldn’t help but snicker at that, surprised but flattered, but he returned quickly to the subject and his eyes drilled into Hathaway’s. “You said it was all true. That you were a coward and a fraud. I know you are no coward and I don’t believe you are a fraud. What is true?”

“Really? Trust me, you don’t want to cast into that lake. And you are not as blind as you pretend to be. Don’t shame me like this, Robbie. I’m too pissed to lie and you will hate me for the truth. I hate me, for it.” James said in a low dangerous voice.

“I’m asking aren’t I?” Robbie demands. “I’m here and I am asking. Why can’t you trust me to accept what you have to say? Do you think so bloody little of me that I get no chance to even try to put it to right?”

“You may think you want to know. But you don’t because if you did, you already would!” James sloshed his drink down his front and tried to brush the liquid back into the glass then rubbed the rest into his shirt. 

“Well, I’m not going anywhere so talk or don’t. Up to you.”

“Nothing is up to me.”

“Fixing this is? It’s all up to you. You have all the cards and I am lost for what’s to be done!” Robbie said a bit too loud out of frustration. 

“There is nothing to be done. It is over. You have made your decision. Not like you can go back and say do over and not like there’s a chance you’d want to. I accept it. I always knew I would end up here. It’s fine. Have a lovely life and do send me a post card from happy and perfect. It’s not your fault. It is mine. Only mine. The kiss? Well, it was goodbye. It was nothing left to lose and taking what I want for just a moment. It was one less regret if I die tomorrow or next month or ten years from now – God, I need a drink because that is a depressing thought – please God, I beg you, do not make me wait that long, Amen.” He shook his head and tried to gain control.

He looked over at Robbie and his face filled with a stoic sorrow, “Look, I know you will be uncomfortable and weird tomorrow anyway and I expect that we won’t have any more of these lads-down-the-pub moments so there it is. I’m so very sorry. Just know that when you walk out that door tonight – I will never so much as ask you for a paper clip if I can find a way to avoid it and I don’t expect you to hold that best man slot open because if there is any merciful God out there he could not be so cruel as to make me live long enough to see the happy event in the first place. There. Now you can just go and be shed of me once and for all. Best wishes and thanks for all you have done for me before I lost my mind…Sir.” James collapses back against the couch and turns his head and shuts his eyes waiting for Robbie to storm out. He doesn’t want to see his face and he doesn’t want the image of him leaving to be stuck on a loop in his brain every night for the rest of his life. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blind man's bluff gets a wee bit out of hand.

Robbie takes another swallow of his drink. “Every time I think I know you, I find out you lied.”

“I didn’t lie. I just let you know without expectation of how you would interpret my feelings. Love should not demand or be given in exchange for the price of it being returned equally. That isn’t a lie. It is simply unconditional.” 

“Put it like that, sounds pretty great for the one who gets loved and pretty dark for the one who isn’t. But you are wrong, because love is a two way street or it can’t last. Gives one person too much power.” Robbie says as gently as he can.

“It was my choice. That’s the way unconditional love works.”

“There are always conditions.”

“Nope.”

“There are. I would die for you and I know you would die for me, but if I tried to murder you, that is not the same thing.”

“Yes it is, because I would just let you,” his eyes blink drowsily as he nearly whispers the last part. 

“No, you would not. You could beat me in a fight and I damned sure wouldn’t just let you kill me,” Robbie dismissed.

James rose and went to the kitchen. He returned with a knife and tossed it in Robbie’s lap. “You think I am bluffing. Call it. I won’t fight no matter what you do. Put up or shut up. You really don’t understand.”   

Robbie chewed his lip in anger, he picked up the knife and looked over at Hathaway, who laced his fingers together and put them behind his head and passively waited. He gave a small nod as if waiting for a joke to be finished. “Anything. I’ve no defense against you. I’m already ruined.”

It was not very funny to Robbie and his face colored with a building anger. If Hathaway was really this far gone, he needed to know. 

Robbie suddenly sprung and held the knife to James throat, “You think you know me, lad? I could do it. What if I’m not as nice a guy as you imagine? They all think you’re cracked and I’d get away with it. What if I just slowly cut your throat? You going to just sit there and bleed out like a good lad, while I watch?”

James eyes widen and he sucks in a breath, which he holds, but he doesn’t move until Robbie asks if he’s just going to sit there. He tilts his head back farther and swallows as he answers simply, “Yes.” 

Robbie grips the knife tight and holds it against the skin of that pale white throat until a trickle of blood runs down and soaks into his shirt. Now something changes in Robbie’s face. “You let her. Zoe. You let that nutter try to kill you?”

In pure rage Robbie yanks Hathaway’s head back and slides the knife across his throat hard enough it hurts. Hathaway gasps but just looks up at Robbie, eyes shining with love and joy. “Thank you. It doesn’t even hurt.” Hathaway closes his eyes and he’s breathing hard but stays still just sitting there waiting to die. Robbie stands up and and covers his mouth trying to hold back a sob of fear and horror. 

Hathaway opens his eyes and looks down. “I don’t seem to be bleeding.”

Robbie spins and croaks, “I used the back side of the knife. I would never hurt you. But you just sat there. You could just sit there and let me…Oh God James. What am I going to do? Don’t you see? You need help…or ..I don’t know. I…I don’t know?”

“I deserve this. I ruined Will’s life. I laughed at him the first time. He was the bigger person, moved on. Then I condemned him for that and Feardorcha by default and three other people by her hand. All because I was blind and cruel. I deserve to suffer for each of them.” 

“James, there were other avenues that Will could have taken. Why kill himself in the first place if he’d come to understand that love was never wrong? Why not put his faith in the person he was so in love with? He hadn’t talked to you in years. Why is it your fault? He had other friends who accepted and loved him. The whole thing was just a manipulative guilt trip. Not to speak ill of the dead, lad, but he sent videos out to get his friends to torture you with blame for his death and humiliate you for something that happened years ago. He gave you no chance and did it out of the blue as far as you knew and that says it all. It really does. None of his friends contacted you and they were your friends once. They had to have known where you are, we have been in the bloody papers and on telly? No. Will made Zoe. He built her, paid for her then discarded her. He blamed everyone but himself. Think about that.” 

There are ten long minutes of silence before Robbie realised James had passed out. 

Robbie sits in stunned disbelief. He texts Laura and tells her only that things are far worse than he thought and that they have had it out and James is too cabbaged to leave alone. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after the very bad night.

Robbie Lewis is afraid to leave James for two reasons. The first reason being that he is afraid that if James wakes up to an empty room with a massive hang over then remembers half of what he’s said that it may be the last straw and he really would do something stupid. Robbie extracted truths from him when he should have not taken advantage. James will see it as a betrayal no matter what, but if he is alone, the result may be something he can’t fix later.

Robbie also is terrified that if he leaves, James may be right. He won’t want to deal with it all and will never find a way to look him in the eye again. If he stays then they will have to work it out. 

James wakes to the smell of coffee and the surety that hell would feel like mercy at the moment. He is nearly brought to tears as he moves his head slightly. There is a blanket covering him and he cannot open his eyes without ramping up a full scale rebellion of his guts. “Whoever is here, please proceed with the murdering and search my cabinets for cash after.”

“Good Morning to you too, sunshine. Here, get this in you then we can have a bit more of a chat,” a distinct Geordie voice said from a direction his head no longer turned.   

“Why are you still here?”

“Because it took me some time to figure out what I want to say and I wasn’t wasting me breath on someone who was on the edge of alcohol poisoning.”

“Ahh – not demeaning enough if I forget,” James said wincing as he tried to sit up. 

James accepted the paracetamol and the coffee and took a tentative sip. 

Robbie sat in the middle of the couch and looked over at James. “How much do you remember?” 

“Enough I wish I were dead on every level of my being.” James mumbled. “Enough to know you won’t hang around long. Once you are done with your lecture.”

“Still think you know it all, do you? Must be a burden, that.”

“Has its moments,” James says softly.

“You should have told me.”

“Which part?”

“Don’t play stupid, man. You know which part. When did it happen? I had no idea.”

“Oh, that. Slowly, bit more each day. By the end of the first case I was well into the offing. I did try to rein it in, mostly. I’m sorry, if that helps.”

“So every day has been a lie.” Robbie asked but it was more a statement of fact.

"Yet if I speak, my pain is not relieved; and if I refrain, it does not go away, Job 16:6” James drank his coffee. 

James feels his throat and a look of cool hateful despair crosses his expression. “You thought you could scare me? Was that it?”

Robert nods.

“ I was not bluffing. Too bad that you were… I’m sorry. It was unkind of me to say that, to put you in such a position in the first place. Please go. I think we both proved our point. I’m going to bed. I have to work soon and I can’t think of anything else that you could possibly want to say to me. Go home.”

“James…”

“Just don’t. You can’t prove this happened but if you need to ruin the last thing I have that gives me a shred of dignity, then go have me sectioned or whatever is twisting around in that head of yours, otherwise, I’m going to sleep for a while and shower and go in to work.”

“You’re off today.” Robbie stated, confused.

“Yes, so I am. Another thing you never noticed. I haven’t taken a full day off since Spain. And just to clarify, she drugged me without my knowledge. I didn’t just let her, Robert. I wasn’t hopelessly in love with her but I thought I had lost you. I just picked the wrong person to trust. It wasn’t the same as this. I couldn’t move then but I knew what she was telling me. I didn’t expect to be saved. I wish I could have saved her. She wasn’t a murderer until he died and it broke her. It broke her and it was my fault and burning was no more than I deserve. It broke her. That’s all. Can happen to anyone.”

“It can,” Robbie agreed carefully.

“In the long run, it’s better this way. We’ll just call it a clean break.” James offered with finality in his voice. 

James turned and left the room, quietly closing the door. Robbie sat down and stared at the walls for a while then kicked his feet up on the sofa and closed his eyes trying to think. 

A few hours later, the shower woke Lewis. James emerged from the bedroom in his work clothes and was in the process of tying his tie when he realized Robbie was sitting on his sofa. 

“Christ, Robert. Why are you still here?”

Robbie shrugged. “I’m not done?”

James sighed and popped the left-over coffee in the microwave then changed his mind, poured it out and started a new pot. “Go on. Say whatever you must, and then kindly leave me alone? I can’t do this. I can’t hold it all in for extended periods of time any more, you see? When I am around you…it is becoming impossible.” 

“Is it really as bad as all that?”

James turned and shook his head, “Can you not see? You think I need psychiatric intervention and yet you can’t see? I am not this bad when you are not here. I get by.”

“You want me to leave Laura? Is that it? Take up with you instead?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. No, she makes you happy. That is all I want for you. I do mean that,” James explained patiently, back turned to Robbie watching the pot spew its black elixir. 

“You handed me a Yorkie bar? Why did you lie about that? Why tell me at all if it wasn’t the truth?” Robbie asked.

“So I wouldn’t lose you entirely,” he said in a tired put upon voice. “I knew the note on my back meant I was next. I had planned to spend the night at yours, but you sent me away. I thought if I was alone that night, Feardorcha would find me. I thought you knew it as well and left me to it. I was too pissed to notice you had me followed. I liked her. She’d been rejected too. You saw what I could not and yet you couldn’t see me. It was just easier for you to believe I was somewhat straight. I let you assume. You’d just caught me in bed with a beautiful woman. I may have been on fire at the time, but she was lovely if hopelessly damaged. What could I say?”   

Robbie looked down and said softly, “You don’t want me to make assumptions about you but you lie to me when I ask. The thing is, you never asked me. Why do you suppose that is?”

James turns around, brows furrowed, and freezes, coffee pot hovering above his cup. “You were married. You only have dated women? What is the mystery to that?”

Robbie sighs. He taps his fingers on the counter. “Rumors are a funny thing. You can out live them even if they are true.”

“What rumors?” James whispers.

Robbie just smiles. “You’re a detective. Detect, canny lad. I’ve never been perfect.”

James sets the pot between them. They sit, sipping coffee and observing each other. Robbie finishes his and stands, “Well, that’s me off then. Ring me up when you figure it out. Eat something. You are too damned skinny, Yeah?”

“Wait. You can’t leave now. I don’t understand?” James says desperate and unsure.

“Ahh, well. I can do as I please, you see? The thing is, no matter what you think you feel for me, you don’t. Not really. Not if you can’t even talk to me. I might tell you I don’t want to talk about it, but I have never lied to you. The other thing is, maybe you should have asked a few questions too and maybe you should have trusted me with the truth rather than just your pretty neck?” Robbie got his coat and shrugged it on.

“Just one more thing. You said Will’s death, broke Zoe. What do you imagine, in that great brain of yours, that your death would do to me? Said it yourself, it can happen to anyone.” Robbie shrugged and smiled in a sad sort of way and then just walked out and closed the door softly with a gentle click. 


	6. Chapter 6

Jean Innocent looked up with a sigh of disapproval. “I will take your warrant card if you keep disobeying me. Three days off, I told you. How did you interpret that very clear order to mean approximately eighteen hours? The pool is either dangerously chlorinated or you have no business whatsoever in my nick. Have you slept since I last saw you?” 

Hathaway closed the door to her office. “Twice. Contacts in too long is all. I need some unofficial intervention. I can’t work with Inspector Lewis any longer, but I can’t disgrace him by making a formal plea.”

“Oh, James. What happened?”

“A row. My fault. I told him… I made a drunken disgrace of myself and there is no fixing it. I will make no fuss if there is necessity, just asking you …don’t throw him my way out of tradition.” James said with obvious regret.

“Did something happen I should be aware of? Physically I mean?” she asked as if her face hurt.

“No, Ma’am. I didn’t make a pass at him. But I said far, far too much and…it was not pretty.” James hung his head in shame. “I think it was a bit of a punt at best, but now, it just can’t be. I lost fair and square. If it matters.”

“I’m very sorry. Truly. I will do my best.”

“Thanks. How is Mr. Innocent this morning?” he asked with a cheeky grin.

“Fuming and refusing to speak to me. Though in my case, I consider it a blessing. Tell me this, would a transfer help you? They always need experience at the MET.”

“Possible. Let’s just leave it here for right now. I think avoidance should suffice. Neither of us would want more fuss about it,” James said while standing. He nodded to her and returned to his office. 

An hour later, she knocked on his door. “Domestic. One death. Messy. Davies is on, but you are here against my orders and he has sick little ones. You want it?”

He smiled and jumped up, “Of course. On my way.” 

“Maddox is out of town. I don’t have anyone to send with you?”

“I’ve got it.” he said snagging the details out of her hand as he shrugged into his coat. 

“Uniform is on scene. They say it looks open and shut.” She adds to his back.


	7. Chapter 7

Open and shut is not what it is. The husband is hysterical, one officer is wounded having taken a crack to the head while trying to subdue the ax wielding husband and there is a woman’s head in the back garden but most of the rest of her is in the bathtub. Her hands are currently unaccounted for. 

They have the man cornered but are waiting for back up to deal with him. James rolls his eyes and enters the bedroom with little bother. He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at the man. “Mr. Hadley, I know you didn’t do this. I am going to find out who did and put him away for a very long time. My deepest most heartfelt condolences. May I have the ax, please?”

Hadley stared at him, blinking in fear and shock.

James moves close to him and squats down in his line of sight, voice gentle, eyes full of sympathy and kindness. He said as if to a friend, “You are scaring my constables. Not the most brilliant lot, but they all dress alike. Give me the ax, you are safe now.”

The man hands James the ax and quietly follows him to the car. James insists they find Mr. Hadley some tea and they sit down for a perfectly civilized interview considering the man is in shock. The ax is clean except for smudges on the handle. 

The husband says he came home and found her like this and that the monster in the flat next door did it. He chased him away with the ax. 

The neighbours say the Hadley’s were always squabbling and the flat the husband identified as the home of the murdering monster has been empty for ages. 

The thing is, the husband has almost no blood on him so James is pretty sure that he could not have done it. 

James goes to the flat next door and knocks again, despite uniform attempting during their neighbourhood canvas. There is no answer so he goes around to the back and with a little shove, the door gives way. He almost immediately sees blood and bends down to confirm it is fresh. He uses his radio to inform the others of the situation. 

The hair stands up on his neck when two small birds are suddenly startled and he whirls around just in time to feel a searing heat in his chest and smell the putrid breath of the most enormous feral human he’s ever laid eyes on. “Police,” He wheezes as the knife plunges into him again. 

He fights as best he can, but he’s in so much pain it is a losing battle. 

Three more wounds and a kick in the gut after he was down, made him lose control of both his bladder and his bowel. He’d seen it over and over. It is simply part of the dying process. He is still embarrassed. He dropped the radio during the scuffle and can’t call for help. He attempted to move enough to reach it. He can hear them calling for him to respond. The pain is without measure and he vomits the coffee as every muscle in his body begins to shutter. 

From the open doorway, a lively black and white bird walks toward him cautiously watching his blood run with its curious beady eyes.  Suddenly it is joined by its mate. She's the brave one and darts forwards to steal one of his pale blue buttons that flew off his shirt. The male takes his time walking toward a silver sweet wrapper. He steps in some of the blood and leaves little vivid red footprints.  They leave with their prizes. 

James watched the blood inch away silently while he tried to make his lungs work,  Tiny sips of air were the best he could manage and he was so very tired.   

“Oh God, Robbie, forgive me.” he whispered to nobody and mumbled the beginning of the rosary in Latin, “In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen. Credo in Deum, Patrem omnipotentem, Creatorem caeli et terrae. Et in Jesum Christum, Filium ejus unicum…”

He didn’t get far. His lips were moving and his eyes were still open when two uniform officers found him on his side, curled into a ball and blood draining in a narrow stream ten feet long on the uneven warped floor. They could not understand what he was mumbling but did what first aid they could as the word went out that DI Hathaway was down and it was bad. 

He thought for a moment that a very young Robbie was there and grabbed his sleeve and managed to ask his forgiveness as his vision blurred and narrowed. 

He coded in the ambulance. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie plays it a little tough, but he's not fooling Laura

Laura’s phone went off and she’d just noted down the details when a look of horror struck her face and she said, “Oh God…Oh no…”when Lewis’s phone rang. 

He glanced at Laura with a question but answered his own call. 

Jean sagged in her chair and blinked away tears. She swallowed and made her voice steady as she spoke on the phone. “Lewis, I am sending a car. It’s James. He’s in theater now. They barely got him to hospital?” 

“What happened?” Robbie asked knowing now that Laura was a step ahead and why she looked close to tears. 

“The open and shut, easy thing turned into a fairytale, which turned out to be real. He was stabbed, more than once. Thank God the ambulance was already on its way.” 

“Don’t send a car. I will drop, Laura off then head over to the hospital. We both know me sitting and twiddling my thumbs won’t do the lad any good. Who is on scene and did they catch him?”

“First of all, no the attacker, is at large and there is no way I will allow you to go off half-cocked and bully your way onto this case.”

“Couldn’t hurt to let me have a look though. James is not going to live or die because I am here or there. That is up to him and from the sound of it, at least I’d be a little useful if I was helping find the guy who did it before he does it again.”

“Regardless, I expect you to keep me apprised of any developments in DI Hathaway’s condition. I am not letting you take this over. Unless, you don’t want to be there? I know you have had a pretty serious row. It’s just, you’re his emergency contact…”

“I see. I…umm. Handing you to Hobson…”

Robbie turns to Laura and his chin wobbles as he hands her the phone and shakes in silent grief. 

Laura takes the phone and finishes the call. 

“Well, he’s done it then. Didn’t have a few days. Didn’t have a few hours even. How can he do this to me?” Robbie pleads when he feels her arms around his shoulders. 

Laura cocks her head slightly, “To you? What an odd thought. He’s the one in hospital, working his days off and attacked? He’s doing this to himself, Robbie. Yesterday he was your best friend and three hours ago you come home in a temper and now you seem more cross than concerned. What exactly happened over there?”

Robbie shakes his head, “I wish I bloody knew. But I will say, that what I thought was going on in his head and what I thought I knew about him was mostly lies. Hours ago, he said he was no danger to himself. Promised me. Just another lie.”

“Robbie. He didn’t stab himself. He was attacked. You heard that part, right?” Laura asked shocked at Robbie’s callous behavior. 

“Should’a been with him. He never even rang. Only one explanation,” Robbie snorted air out his nose in frustration. 

“You are not thinking straight, love,” Laura said with a soft kiss and a cup of his cheek. “Now go see to your awkward sod. Be there as soon as I can.”

Robbie's lips thinned in disagreement with her but he didn’t say any more. He wasn’t sure he could explain the dragging despair tugging at his chest, so he just nodded and covered her hand before turning to the window to await his ride.


	9. Chapter 9

The car pulled up and Lewis slammed the door to the house as he left. Just then Laura’s phone rang again and she scrambled to get herself together and remain detached. As she drove to the scene, chills went down her spine knowing she was heading to what may be logged in as Hathaway’s final case. 

Laura had completed her tasks with the dead woman. SOCO had taken over. A sick curiosity led her under the tape next door.  She looked into the room lit brilliantly with portable light sticks and could see the blood of her friend. There were footprints all around the area, blackish red in the florescent, where people had walked in his life blood to save his life. There were photography flashes coming from another room.

It was odd to think that this had been inside him when she saw him last night and now it was a painting of violence and chaotic footprints. The woman next door had been stabbed six times and her blood had gone down the drain. Laura had heard all the scene talk.

The husband had been blamed at first. He was wielding an ax at the moment Hathaway had arrived on scene. James was the only one who didn’t think he was guilty. He’d talked the ax out of his hand and led the man out of the house. He’d gone next door to check out the man’s farfetched story. Whatever the husband had seen, it was real. James had just called for evidence to log a blood trail and said there were definite signs of habitation when his radio went dead. They found him within minutes but it was almost too late. 

“He’s your friend. Your boyfriend’s bagman, yes?” A constable who looked about twelve asked from behind her. 

Laura nodded. “All that on the floor in three or four minutes flat. Probably not a good outcome. I’m sorry doctor.” she said twisting a tiny stud earring nervously. 

“Have you met Hathaway?” Laura asked her.

“Yeah. Everyone’s bloody terrified of him. Oh, sorry. Weird seeing him like that. He was mumbling something…Latin maybe. He never screamed, even when I had to move him to apply pressure. He was stoic and silent except for the chanting thing.. Just before he went, he said, ‘ Forgive me, Robert.’ I started CPR. Ambulance got here then, he stopped breathing. I couldn’t…I didn’t know what to do. Is Robert his boyfriend do you think?”

Laura faces away from the uniformed child. She can see his blood on her pretty hands and a smudge on her face and Laura can’t bear to look at her. She sniffs and blinks hard then begins to speak with all the fondness she feels for her rumored bit on the side, “Well, the terrifying Detective Hathaway plays guitar and sings like an angel. He can also cook, is the tidiest man I have ever known and he knows all kinds of poetry. Thousands of classic quotes and poems flit around in that handsome head of his. He is shy, not terrifying, almost became a priest, and will go out of his way for anyone and never even expects a thank you. He was praying, and yes, it was probably Latin, that’s how priests do it as far as I understand. All he had left to do was take his final vows, spent eight years preparing and he has never told me anything other than they hated his cooking, He is honest and has a fantastic dry sense of humor and goes out of his way to make me laugh every day, even when he’s having a horrible one. He is a top notch policeman and lets it all get to him much too deeply. He has a first in theology from Cambridge and he was known as Ataway Hathaway when he rowed in The Boat Race with them. Was a bit of a star athlete, back in the day. His flat is filled with books and no, Robert is my fiancé. You may know him as DI Lewis? James calls him Robert when he doesn’t forget and call him Sir. James was asking his Gov to forgive him for, well, who knows with those two. Just thought you might like to know some of the important things about him, rather than a bit of watercooler wiki-leaks you may have heard so far. You probably saved his life considering how much of him you appear to be smeared with. Maybe he is even your first so you won’t ever forget it and you should be privileged to know a little about him because of it. Thank you.”

“He sounds kind of nice, when you put it like that.” 

“Don’t spread it around. He’d be cross with me for ruining his reputation. I’m sure he will be fine, thanks to you. The only thing terrifying about him is how foolishly brave and unbelievably loyal he is.” Somehow, talking about him made her feel better and as if she could keep breathing herself.  

“I’ll keep that in mind, ma’am.” The girl gives her a wide smile and has pretty teeth and a sweet face, despite wearing a half-pint of James Hathaway. 

Laura headed back to the other scene calling over her shoulder, “Keep an eye out. We still have no hands.”


	10. Chapter 10

She found Lewis in the lobby of the Radcliffe, staring into space like a worn out zombie. “Any word?”

“Not dead…yet. Bunch of your lot’s gobble-die-gook. But he’s not gone. Taking his sweet time about it.” Lewis stated as if far away. 

“A bit fatalistic?” 

“He told me last night. You don’t understand. This is what he prayed for…right in front of me.” Robbie said quietly.

“To be stabbed?” Laura asked skeptically. 

Robbie sighed and looked at her. “I told him lying to me all this time just proved he didn’t love me near as much as he thought. But I lied to him… because I knew. I didn’t want to know, but I did. He said the thought of living another ten years was depressing. He hoped something got him in the line of duty. The sooner the better according to his own words. Seems his prayers worked. Do you really think he will bother coming back from it? He won’t. This is just a countdown, Laura love.” 

Laura sighed and put her arm around him. “ You heard any news? They get the bastard who did this yet?”

Laura shook her head. “Cleared out. Got a description from the victim’s husband. Sounds a bit like the boogie-man but victim one is still missing her hands and they were not on scene. We think he took them with him. Haven’t turned up yet, anyway. And apparently a man fitting the description of Hagrid can walk the streets of Oxford with an invisibility cloak because he was not spotted by anyone. How does that happen in broad daylight? ” 

“Have to be big and damned cunning to get the drop on Hathaway. I can’t lose him,” Robbie croaked, face crumpling. “But even if he pulls through, I already have lost him.”

Laura sighs deeply, “You were both drinking. Grain of salt, bad timing; don’t take it all too seriously. People say lots of stuff they don’t mean and it all comes out in the wash.”

“He told Innocent he didn’t want to work with me anymore. Wasn’t drunk then. How did it all go so wrong? Ahh, doesn’t matter anyway.” He yawned and sighed.

“His last words before he finally passed out-“

“Died. He died. Don’t sugar coat what it was,” Robbie interjected.

“…were, ‘Robert, forgive me.’ That doesn’t sound like someone who meant all that other stuff,“ she murmured as she rubbed his back to soothe him. “Got that from the wide-eyed police-infant who found him and gave him first aid. She has been on the job for eleven days and saved his life. I have to think there was a reason and that it will all be fine.”

He looked over at Laura and patted her hand. “Right. If you say so, love.” He faked a smile at her and added, “Hope you’re correct.”

“I almost always am. It’s why you keep me around.” She said with more cheek than she really felt, trying to cheer him up. 

They waited in silence for some time.

She volunteered to get them some tea because she had access to the nurse’s secret stash and Robbie headed to the loo to get rid of some of the dishwater he’d already ingested in the last few hours. 

Laura had two steaming mugs of tea for them to enjoy and a huge smile on her face when he finally got out of the loo. She handed Robbie his and he gave her a wry look of curiosity. 

Laura’s eyes twinkled and she said in a low tone, “I pulled a naughty. He’s out and provided it all holds, they had a bit of repair to do on his Hepatic Portal Vein and a few other concerns if infection sets in, but Robbie, he’s got to have a guardian angel because it is nowhere near as bad as it looked. The lung was an easy fix. The doctor will be here in a few minutes to tell us. Look pleased and surprised. After he says all the long words. Not as he walks in the door,” she teased. 

Robbie’s eyes widened. “You sure?”

She rolled her eyes, “I am a doctor, I just don’t have to pay the personal indemnity insurance. My patients may not smell as nice from time to time, but they rarely sue or hold me to blame for making their insides a bit of a hash up.” 

Robbie gave her a genuine grin this time, “Sorry I’ve been such a grouchy sod. Thanks for being here. I about drove meself mad.”

Laura’s face softened in fondness, “I know. Now we just have to figure out what we are going to do about that awkward sod of yours?”

“Not much to be done. Just make him see reason and hope it is enough.” 

“We need a plan, Robbie, just in case it isn’t. I couldn’t stand to lose him either and I think if we did, I’d end up losing you both. You didn’t see what I saw on your face for the last few hours. People do die of broken hearts. My lot, as you are so fond of putting it, have big obscure names for it, but the description, no matter how precise doesn’t completely obscure the cause.” 

“What are you trying to say, Laura?”

“Not yet. I don’t have it all worked out in my head. Besides, your blood pressure is just now dropping from the red zone and I have no intention of sending it full throttle again. We just can’t go on our merry way and leave him to feel so abandoned, not knowing what we do. But, for now, let’s just deal with you staying calm and placid,” She said kindly.

Robbie snorted and wrinkled his forehead at her doubtfully. 

“What?” She asked in response.

“You and your calm and placid. You are around dead people far too much, lass. Far too much.” He said with deadpan certainty. 


	11. Chapter 11

James was walking with Nick. He didn’t know where they were going and he didn’t need to ask because nothing hurt and his heart felt like satin. They often had walked miles in silence so he was surprised when Nick asked, “So you blew it I guess?”

“Yep.” James replied. 

“Don’t worry, he won’t be away from you long. He won’t take care of himself. He will drive Laura away and next thing you know, you will be guiding him down this road. I have known you were coming almost since I got here. I want you to know, James, you made my last days…bloody fantastic. I was really kind of a bastard and I was so lonely by then. You made a huge difference.”

“I took your rock to the cross of Saint James for you.”

“I felt you. We all feel everything you do. We know. I have a present for you and then I think you need to consider going back.” Nick said chewing his lip. 

“What? No. I am staying here.”

“You are free to do that, mate. After my present.”

Suddenly after what seemed weeks of walking there was an Auberge ahead. James smirked and let out a laugh as he searched his pockets for a cigarette. “Bit of a cliché. Hope the food is good. Damned where are my…”

“No smoking. No food. No worries, mate.”

“Perfect.” James said with a sigh.

“Part of you is still on that side. That’s why you have the craving. You decide to stay, it will go away.”

“Then it should be gone. I smell flowers, crushed flowers,” James said sniffing deeply.

“Bit of a theme going on, see,” Nick explained with a shrug.

James walked into the main hall and at the far end stood a coffin. He knew before he looked that it would be him. He smirked and looked at Nick, “Nice, Ta, mate.”

“Yeah, shitty friends never know what to give you for those special occasions. The old man went all out, you see? Posh police logo on the coffin. It’s going to be a huge affair mate. Fiona has em popping up from London for the procession.”

James looked down at himself. “Bloody pink tie. Robbie Lewis dressed me. I bet I have on lavender socks too.” 

Nick leans in and holds up a leg. “You called it in one.”

“James? “ 

James turns and his heart skips and his eyes tear up. “Will? Oh God. Will. Please forgive me.” He steps toward him and Will opens his arms with a grin. James holds him and he is perfectly real. “I’m so sorry. I was so wrong, forgive me.”

“Only if you forgive me?” another voice says.

Feardorcha smiles at him and he is as James remembers, red hair and open smile. “I wasn’t myself last time we met.”

“I tried to save you. I’m sorry.” James said. 

“I know. Now it is time to put it down and forgive yourself. You need to go back because you are not done yet.”

“I don’t want to go back. There is nothing for me there.”

“You were called, James. You have work to do. It didn’t turn out like we thought, but it led you to the lessons he wanted for you.” A deep booming voice said.

James spun again, “Father Anderson? I have let you down.”

“Have you?”

James walks to the priest and falls on his knees and bows his head, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…I have lost my faith and my hope…”

He feels warmth and looks up to find his friend shining with light, “No my son. You have not. Believe in yourself and follow your heart in peace.”

“I have disgraced your memory.” James weeps and collapses back onto his heels. 

“No. God isn’t complicated, not really. Most of that was just distractions and nonsense and your heart is so very big. We all make mistakes. We all lose faith. I have watched you all this time and I have never lost my faith in you.” 

“James? Are you coming, bonny lad?”

James stands and turns in horror. “No. You can’t be here. You aren’t dead.”

Lewis stands there as young as James, shoulders straight and a sparkle in his eye. “Aye well, maybe I lied a little when I told you that I wouldn’t just sit there and let you kill me. Me heart. Made a right soppy mess of me, that.” He said pointing at the casket. “Still time, but I don’t think you need the whole parade to get the plot line. At least give me a chance, James. If you go, I go, but can you feel that? That pain in your chest? It’s getting bigger? That’s Laura. She waited so long and if you stay here, we both do. I think we can do better by her, don’t you?”

James stared at him for a moment and then he found it. “Oh. God, that’s horrible.” He turned to Will and Feardorcha,” Is that what you feel when you think of me?”

“No, Attaway…you are much worse. It’s why we agreed to this. Nick here has another fifty people out there, if that’s what it takes to convince you, but I’d think that you could catch on a bit faster. Save all that for when it really is your turn and think of us with love, because we feel that too” Will said with a laugh.

“ If you were not loved, James, It would not be so tempting to be here. Those who really sin, find no light here. They bleed out, like you are doing right now over there.” Nick added.

“James? We are getting critical here, soft lad. Are you coming back with me? I love you so much more than you ever knew. I can’t force you, but I have soft words for you back there if you’ve a mind to hear them. Your call.” Robbie warned kindly arms crossed legs spread casually and not a line on his face. “Me Val and Morse are just around the corner. I have no problem staying.”

“I suppose we could go back for a bit. Need to clean out my fridge and you do need a best man.” James said as if bored.

Lewis smiled, “Aye, that I do. And ya promised me a pint if memory serves. Who knows, if you are a very good lad, I may let you have another snog before we are done, as well.”

“I think bribery is a sin, Sir.”

“Howay. From Newcastle, me, just how it’s done.” 

He took one step toward Lewis then another. He took hold of the hand Lewis was offering and he was falling. There was pain and he felt so heavy. There was a voice and he couldn’t understand all the words, but he knew the dialect and he smiled. His head turned toward the warmth of that sound and he filled his lungs and moaned in agony.


	12. Chapter 12

“That’s right. You can do this, James. Come back to me. Don’t leave me, canny lad. Just open your eyes. I know it hurts, but…Hey. There you are! You scared the hell out of me. Stay with me. Hi. Can you hear me?” Robbie carried on that way for a while and finally James squeezed his hand. 

He felt the ice chips slide across his tongue and groaned again and tried to take a deep breath. “You are old again.”

Robbie looked amused and then offended, “Yeah? Well, I forgive you for all the grey hairs you put on me head in the last ten years.”

Robbie’s eyes teared up and he wheezed a broken, “Thanks for coming back to me. I didn’t think you would.”

James smiled and carefully said, “I couldn’t let you bury me in a fucking pink tie.”

Robbie let just the bubble of a sob breach his mask before he regained his humour, despite tears rolling down his cheeks now, “Clever clogs. I would’ve done it too.” he said laughing and crying at the same time.

“I know. And the lavender socks…vindictive old fart.” James said and smiled and let his love shine through his eyes. 

Robbie lifted James hand to his mouth and closed his eyes and kissed the back of his hand. Then he wiped his cheeks and his damp eyes on his sleeves as if embarrassed. “Look at me, making a fuss.”

“I didn’t mean it. I did a little, but I don’t. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Robbie nodded, “Nor I, you. It’s all going to be fine. We will find a way, just trust me a little? Don’t worry. We will fix all this somehow.”

“I fought. I didn’t let him…” James assured him.

Robbie swallowed several times and nodded, “I know, James. I can see that ya did.” 

“I still died, though. Didn’t I?” James struggled to think clearly.

“You’ve been a right pain in me backside and I won’t have any more of your trying to skive off. Damned inconsiderate, if you ask my opinion.” Robbie said with put upon gruff attitude. 

James smiles and responds, “Wouldn’t dream of it. Sir. Still stuck with me for now. Go home and get some sleep. You have eye luggage. Way past the bag stage,” James said eyes devouring the beloved face before him. 

“I think I’ll be staying for a bit if it’s all the same to you, man. You kept me waiting three days. You can put up with me for a bit longer, like it or not.”

“I’m going to be fine, you know? Better than ever, Sir.”

“We’ll see. Laura will be along in a while to sit with you. I can get a kip then. I couldn’t leave right now if they threw me out, if I have to be honest. Too bloody happy to see you,” Robbie said with a shrug and he reached up and tucked his hand against James' cheek. “God, but I missed you.”

James lifted a heavily bandaged arm, and pressed Robbie’s hand into his cheek, with a contented sigh. “What’s that on your arm?”

“Just some blood work. Nothing for you to worry about,” Robbie said with a casual dismissive snort. 

“Is your heart okay? Please don’t lie,” James said with pure fear.

Robbie sighed and smiled with a sheepish pride. "Trained you up better than I thought. Just a little scare. Good thing I was here. Laura is being overly cautious. I’m fine. Just some heartburn.” He reassured. 

“You were there with me. You called me back, with bribery,” James said with a silly face trying to leap between serious and impish.

Robbie chuckled, “I have been here a bit. They told me to talk to you. It was a lass there with you at the scene. What, pray tell, did I offer you? That worked, anyway?”

‘Mmmm. I think I would rather not talk about it…yet.” He saw Robbie’s disappointment and quickly covered, “There was a pint or two involved and I can’t have it yet, So… When I get out of here, I will regale you with my demands.”

Robbie’s face relaxed and he nodded. “Hold you to it, mind.”

Laura arrived just then and she teared up and sniffed then very briskly conveyed her total lack of sympathy. “It is about time. How dare you make us cry over your lazy revival? You made Jean get all sappy and Lizzy actually threatened to quit if Jean reassigned her. What took you so bloody long?” 

“It was a very long walk. Hope you don’t count this as one of my strikes,” James said with apparent shame.

“You are lucky I am so fond of you. Just this once I will overlook your tardiness,” Laura said, bending over and kissing him loudly on the forehead, then wiping off her lipstick.

“What did the doctors say? You did call them?”

She was met with guilty silence. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if Lewis were not at all who James believes him to be. Laura knew Robbie before he was broken.

After James had been poked and prodded to Laura’s satisfaction, while she made calls and informed people that he had ‘arisen’, to James’ mortified horror, all was finally quiet. She had sent Robbie home invoking all sorts of terrifying threats that he took in amused stride. She finally sat down next to James and leaned her elbows on his bed.

James studied Laura and he could see the tiny lines around her eyes were deeper than normal. She always had a light hand with her makeup, but her mascara looked flaky and a bit pitiful, as if she’d slept in it and tried to just apply more. Her hair was a bit of a mess as usual, but there was more curl and more wild to it today. 

“How are you holding up?” James asked.

She gave him a half-smile and her eyes revolved upwards with exasperation. “Honestly? It’s been a bit of a ride. For about two hours there, I had a pretty rough patch. You both were pretty damned determined to out-frighten me.”

“Tell me?” James said with all the command he could muster.

She sighed and blinked several times, trying to decide what to say. “He will be fine. It was mild and he was here so there was no real damage, but he needs to be more careful. He got terribly worked up over the fact they couldn’t wake you. You seemed to be doing so well and then it was touch and go for a bit. Back into surgery because they had missed a bleeder, but it was…He loves you very much, you know. He’s Bollocks at letting people know, but, it doesn’t stop him from feeling more than he will ever say.”

“I should have never told him. All the things I said. It was stupid and selfish. Forgive me for my kamikaze desperation? ” 

“He knew.” She shrugged, “He knew and he just couldn’t face it or believe it or something. He is out of his mind trying to figure out how to fix it.”

“Then it’s up to me to do the right thing. You make him happy and I make him…mostly angry. I will transfer to NSY” James offered sincerely.

“Very kind. The problem is, that the worry of you wandering the gritty bits of London, would probably kill him, not to mention I can’t deal with him when you and he are on the outs. I have even considered returning his ring. Don’t tell him that. Things need to settle down first,” Laura confessed. 

“No. No, please don’t leave him. It wouldn’t do any good. He is insane when it comes to you, Laura. The Lawrie case proved that. Please,” James begged.

She smiled bitterly, “Not quite what I want either, you know. But you leaving, especially in a permanent capacity, will kill him.  He and I are more, quiet and comfortable. He can survive,” she said carefully. 

“Yeah. Maybe. But he picked you. That’s what is most important, “James argued. 

She considered him for a moment and chewed her bottom lip. “I guess we are going to have to figure out some options that we can all live with.” 

“Well, we can’t cut him in half either. I know the right thing to do and that is to step aside and pretend. It’s for the best.”

She studied his face and said pointedly, “You make it sound easy. If it is easy, you’re as cold as people think and if it isn’t, you’d just be lying to him again.”

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. Longfellow,” James quoted. 

“If you are miserable, he will be miserable and therefore, I too shall be miserable. I don’t do the misery guts with your flair, James. In fact, I don’t do it at all. Not going to take it up as my mid-life crisis hobby,” Laura countered.

“There is nothing to be done about it. Even if the two of you were not involved, it isn’t as if he would choose me. To be blunt, he has never been with a man and so if it isn’t you it will be someone else. I’d rather it be you. Romance is obviously out of the question, so I have to hope that the friendship is not damaged beyond mending. I would go to the end of the earth to preserve it before I will stay and destroy it. A rumor that I may be gay is a far thing from people dealing with the fact of it, especially now that he knows that…I want more than he can …he says it will be fine…The problem is that people always do. They pretend for a while but…deep down they just…” 

Laura’s brow furrowed as she stood and began to pace. “Oh God, how could you not know?”

“Know what?”

Laura was quiet for a long time and started to speak several times. She finally ended up staring out the window as she asked him, “Did he tell you he’d never been attracted to a man?”

“Not in so many words. I only know what I have seen.”

Laura tilted her head and glanced at him, crossing her arms and biting at a fingernail. “You are wrong. There was one that I know of. Well, I say know. More when I asked him, he didn’t confirm it, but he didn’t completely deny it either.”

James thought for a moment. “A rumor?”

Laura nodded. “It dogged him for years. You know him, he just ignored it.”

“Sometimes you can outlive a rumor, even if it is true,” James murmured. 

“Another quote?” Laura asked.

“Perhaps. What was the rumor?” James asked as if distracted.

Laura sighed and looked pensive. “I’m going to tell you something and let’s call it hypothetical. There was once, long ago and far away, a Detective Chief Inspector and his very loyal, very overworked, very put upon Sergeant. The Sergeant was thought to be a bit of a dog’s body because he put up with the most difficult man anyone had ever been saddled with and never complained. For years they were inseparable until something happened. There was a row. The sergeant was away at his DI course when his boss had his first heart attack. He only told the sergeant that it was an ulcer. The sergeant returned and before he even got his test results, his boss died. At the time, it was too farfetched for anyone to take the rumor about them seriously. One was known as a bit of a ladies man and the other was happily married. When the will was read, one third of the older man’s estate went to the younger man. People wondered.”

James looked shell shocked. “If it were true, why would he have not told me?”

Laura smiled and said, “Because maybe he believed your stunt with the Yorkie bar?”

“It can’t be. That would have meant that he cheated on his wife. He would never…”James drifted off, trying to imagine his Robbie as an unfaithful spouse.

“Yet, it has taken him ten years to get past her loss enough to function. Guilt and grief often are cooked in the same stew. Guilt is much harder to swallow.” Laura volunteered kindly. 

“He loved them both and lost them both within a few years.” James stated. 

“He nearly drank himself to death and then he ran away to paradise and the first person he met upon his return, was you,” Laura added. 


	14. Chapter 14

James didn’t know for sure what to say. “It doesn’t change anything. I was never even an option to him.”

Laura sighed and continued, “Here is the reason I have thought about backing out. What if I am the second choice?”

“But you’re not.”

She nodded but held up her finger, “Let’s look at the events as they occurred and see what they say about motive. You got roped into Kosovo by your churchy friends and he feared you were not coming back. That they would suck you back into the priesthood. He and I started dating officially. 

“ You took off for Spain, turned in your papers, without a word and he was afraid you were never coming back. We moved in together. There are rumors that you are not very careful these days, James. He’s seen it. There is a fine line between bravery and covert suicide. Sometimes the line doesn’t exist. Your immortal soul depends on that grey area, doesn’t it? You have been flirting with it a long time. 

“ It was fine so long as he could protect you. But then you came back and suddenly, he couldn’t. Jean Innocent gave him the means to watch over you again and he jumped on it so fast that he didn’t even consider asking me what I thought. For a year he’s watched you run after that grey area and he’s unsure if his contract will be renewed. He has a gift of seeing into people and in his mind, what will happen to you if he can’t watch your back? 

“He has expected the call he got a few days ago for weeks. And he proposed to me. You had your row and then you died and nearly died again. Robbie had a heart attack. Whither thou goest I shall go? Who is he really choosing, do you think, Detective Inspector Hathaway? “

James blushed. “It is all circumstantial and easily explained as coincidence.”

“Perhaps. But it is something to consider. I haven’t made up my mind yet but if the coincidences pile up much higher, I think I can make a pretty convincing case. Some believe there is no such thing as coincidence and rather a lot of them happen to be pretty damned good detectives.”

“You should be telling him of your doubts, not me.”

Laura smiled at him and picked up her coat. “Well, they say confession is good for the soul, and after all, you were the one who was going to be a priest. Well, that’s my shift. You need to sleep and he will be back bright and early I imagine.” 

James watched her walk out the door and closed his eyes to contemplate the twists and turns of this new information.


	15. Chapter 15

By the next day, James was up and walking. It was a worse hell than the Camino but every time he was ready to give up he could feel Nick walking beside him. He could hear his New Zealander voice in his mind telling him to “Rattle your dags, Hathaway.” meaning for him to hurry up. He thought of Nick walking miles, in such pain, only morphine keeping him upright and James struggled through the halls of the Radcliffe. 

His room was so busy he often fell asleep while the ever-changing stream of visitors cracked on. Robbie hovered, playing host and shooing those who stayed too long. 

He was out in a week and back on light duty in less than three, but light duty was more like two hours of socializing and some computer research before being taken to a pub. He wasn’t actually working. 

Sometimes, in the middle of all the hoopla, Robbie would catch his eye and it was as if he was holding back, waiting for something. 

What nobody had expected was family members. The day before James had been released from hospital, Jean smiled as she led two people into the room. “James, I have brought you some visitors.”

A young blond petite woman rushed past an older man and hugged James. James grinned and buried his face in her hair. “How did you get here?”

The man’s voice answered and he didn’t step forward, but crossed his arms and said, “We got a call. Booked Nell the next flight across the pond. Picked her up at Heathrow.”

Nell nodded. “He did. Drove the bloody cab right up to the emergency lane and didn’t stop again until we got here.” 

“I’m fine. There was no need.” He assured them. He looked at Jean questioning her smug smile.

She shrugged. “I used to be a detective you know? Before I gave it up for cat-herding and playground minding.”

They all took to the pub when he was released and James smile fooled everyone but Robbie. His relatives only stayed two days, but still, it was all news to Robbie that Hathaway was not some lonely orphan. 

It was Saturday morning a few weeks later and James had never elaborated on his relatives surprising appearance other than to say he and his father never got on very well. His sister had left the UK years ago and they had not kept in contact. 

“Nice you had a little catch-up then.” Robbie had probed once.

James shrugged. “They don’t approve of my work. They expected me to be a priest and they treat me as if I never left. I should tell you that if you pull her file, Nell has a colorful past. I was surprised that Dad got her to come.”

. Davies was still looking for the man who had attacked James but still had no leads and still had not recovered the hands of Mrs. Hadley. James and Robbie had seven other cases on between them. They were not working together but they had begun a new stage of bouncing ideas to each other and Saturday morning meant breakfast and brainstorming.

Laura had given up her Saturday fry up duties and James didn’t ask why. 

This was their fifth week and Robbie was quiet.

James set down his silverware and looked up for a split second before returning his eyes to his plate. “What?”

“I didn’t say anything.” Robbie replied, popping a bit of bacon in his mouth and wiping his fingertips on his serviette. 

“You have been trying to figure something out for some time. You study me…like you do a suspect. What is it you are trying to put together?” James explained.

Robbie smiled patiently and swallowed then took a drink of his coffee. “Right. Your rough patch seems to have vanished. We never did talk proper, but you don’t seem sad anymore. I don’t want to take a chance of ruining it all.“

Hathaway smiled thoughtfully and took a deep breath, meeting Robbie’s eyes. “Can I say something truthful? It may seem a bit fantastical, but it is my truth.”

“You can say anything you want, soft lad. Who am I to judge?”

James nodded and tilted his head, half smile and amused adoration shining in his eyes. “I wanted to stay dead at first. I knew I had died. Call it a dream or near death experience, it doesn’t matter. It was all real. I was so pleased all this crap was over. I couldn’t hurt anyone ever again. I didn’t hurt.”

Robbie looked horrified, but clenched his jaw and nodded, remaining silent as he studied something out the window.

“On my walk, I met a man from New Zealand. He was beautiful and alive and funny and damaged. We spent the better part of three weeks together, in storms and fog and many a drunken night of whispered confession.”

Robbie looked as if he were in pain and sipped his coffee but looked away. “Did you…”he almost asked, then faded away. 

James leaned a bit closer and spoke very quietly, “Nick had cancer. He could barely deal with the pain by the end of the day.” James said shaking his head and looking up to keep the tears in check. “We were not lovers. But I loved him. Really, could have fallen for him easily, you know. But, that was not what he needed. One night we over did the drinking. He accidentally overdosed on his morphine. I say accidentally because I don’t think it was on purpose but I didn’t know. He had had a pretty rough day, pain wise. I woke up to his lovely eyes gone cloudy and his body showing the first signs of rigor mortis. The beds in the Auberges are only three feet apart. Sometimes, in the night, he would reach out to hold my hand. He had nightmares and it helped him know where he was, that someone was there. We were holding hands, when he died. When I let go, he remained, arm stretched out as if waiting for me. ”

“Must have been horrible. God, I’m sorry, man. I had no idea it was something like that.. I thought it was me you couldn’t talk to. It was that, you couldn’t talk about?”

“Mostly. Thing is, when I was stabbed. Nick greeted me. He really is waiting for me. A guide, if you will. Death reflected life and he took me to a place on the Camino. It was all different but I knew the building. He showed me that I was dead and then he talked about you. What my actions would cause. There were others there, and they kept telling me to go back and I kept refusing.”

I wanted nothing to do with breathing. Then you showed up. It was _you_ from twenty years ago. You were my age, and you told me that if I stayed, you would stay as well. The thought of myself dead was perfectly acceptable. The thought of you dead horrified me, even knowing that it was so much better than what we were returning to, when you held out your hand, I took it and vaulted back here to pain and problems but most of all to you.” 

“Quite a story. Do you believe it?”

James nodded and said, “I have to believe it. You said something to me, over there, that I want to be true.”

“What did dream me have to say, then?” Robbie asked thoughtfully.

“I can’t tell you,” James murmured.

“Right. Hint?” 

James smiled and shook his head. “If that turns out to be true, maybe it all was true. If not, none of it matters anyway. The only thing between me and darkness right now is hope. If I am wrong…well…I may never know I am wrong and that is better than a sad truth.”

“Right. Dream me must have been a busy guy. Bribery and mystery and wrinkle free,” Robbie said with a bit of sarcastic disgust. 

“Clever too. Tricked me into holding your hand and when I woke up…you were.”

“Good on him then, but for future reference, stay away from the bastard. Bit of a lad, he was. I don’t trust him,” Robbie said with a sparkle in his eyes.

“So advised,” James agreed. He grinned to himself knowing Robbie meant he was not allowed to die again any time soon. 


	16. Chapter 16

James was in the pathology lab on a beautiful Friday afternoon listening to Laura tell him how his victim had a long history of vitamin overdose and had damaged his body in the pursuit of health. 

“Vitamin C contributed to his kidney stones, he must have been in the range of thirty times the dose a day and excessive Vitamin D was contributing to his heart disease and the calcification of his soft tissue leading to…”

“He was killing himself with good intentions? So you don’t think he was pushed or poisoned.”

“Doubtful. He was Jogging. He couldn’t get enough oxygen for such heavy activity due to long term toxic levels of the various supplements he took. He got dizzy and toppled over. Bashed his head on the stone when he fell. Sorry. No defensive wounds, and no drugs in his system, but his stomach was chock full of the 87 various vitamins he took for breakfast along with the delicious wheat grass smoothie he’d chugged before his run.”

“Okay, shot in the dark but worth checking since he knew the Rayburns,” James stated.

“The poison baked goods case?” Laura asked.

“Yes. Treats left the bakery untainted. Checked the place extensively, owners full cooperation. The family had been going there for years. It was their Saturday morning treat. Employee backgrounds checked and rechecked.   Receipts in his pocket so we know he purchased them himself, but no evidence of him tampering. He drove straight home but somehow they were deadly by the time he and his family ate them. I’d hoped this might be connected. He only lived a few doors down and they were social.” James sighed in frustration and leaned against the wall with a yawn.

“You’re doing it again, aren’t you?”

James smirked, “Guilty but not by choice these days. Too many cases and never enough people to devote full attention to any of them. The details get lost and it means constantly backtracking and trying to figure out what was missed. My solve rate is tanking and that’s just what I need with the new CS due any day. It’s not just me.”

Laura smiled, “So I have noticed.”

“You guys Okay?” he asked sheepishly.

“Who knows. Kind of? We have been stuck in work related limbo. I see him in here more than home. Part time my stinky big toe.” She complained with a shrug. “He hasn’t been obsessing with worry about you at least. Or maybe he’s just too tired to worry.”

“Yeah. My band has had some choice opinions about my repeated absences. Jean says this is bollocksing up her plans of coasting into her retirement. She can’t get gone fast enough according to her.”

“Speaking of which. Who is giving her retirement do?”

James cleared his throat. “Me I guess. Her Ex leaked the pictures of us and now everyone assumes it is my job, me being her…”

Laura laughed and winked. “I did hear something about that. There is apparently a framed picture floating around. Absolute proof.”

“That would be on my desk. My sergeant is definitely not housetrained. Your dear Robbie was her accomplice.” 

“You could put it away?”

James looked superior and aloof, “No. It tickles Jean that everyone thinks she’s shagging a lad of indeterminate inferior age span. Kind of makes my day that it has quieted the rumors that Lewis and I are carrying on behind your back or you and me behind his. I seem to have a lot of sex for someone painfully celibate. Gurdip now bows to me. He actually does have a crush on Jean. But, you didn’t hear that from me.” 

Laura looked at him and raised her brows. “Shame to waste all that peng on fantasy?”

James looked at her and sucked in his breath. He lowered his voice into a mock flirt and asked, “You think I’m peng, do you? Have you any fantasies you’d like to share with the class, Doctor Hobson.”

Laura winked. “Maybe. But only under the mask of copious amounts of adult beverages.”

James tilted his head and boldly called her obvious bluff, “Then it would be my duty to extend an open invitation for the consumption of such an intriguing elixir of truth. Any time.”

Laura grinned and with a challenging note in her voice, “Tonight. After work.”

James looked terrified. “Wait. What?”

“You heard me. That only gives you two and a half hours to figure out an excuse to stand me up. You won’t like your favorite pathologist if you stand me up.” 

He rolled his eyes, realizing it was Friday and there were most often pints at the pub on Friday. “Of course. Wouldn’t dream of missing.”

He returned to the nick and popped into Jean’s office. “Pint? Trout? Not many more opportunities for us to make a spectacle.”

Jean never looked up but smiled and nodded. Lizzy agreed to come. “Just a quick one, Sir. Tone and I Have reservations. Taking the train to London for the weekend. Still got the packing, and the bloody laundry before I can start that!”

James nods and invites Gurdip, Davies and Sanders. He is heading to the loo when he runs into a familiar face. “Constable Stewart.”

A pretty face turns his way and grins, “Sir. Happy to see you have recovered.”

“Thanks to you.” 

She blushes and shifts her weight, looking at the floor. “Part of the job, Sir.”

He chews his lip for a second then offers, “Pints at the Trout, tonight. You are old enough to drink aren’t you?” 

She looks shocked, “Yes Sir, but…”

“Call it networking. You will need a DI before you know it. May as well get to know a few of them. How are you at planning parties? I hear you have some caterers in the family. I am planning Jean’s retirement thing, you know. Could use some help if you have the time?” 

She nodded and beamed at him, “Count me in. Sir.”


	17. Chapter 17

The Trout was busy when he entered, running late as always. Laura appeared at the bar and ordered for the table. “You are paying for those, by the way. Sneaky sod. Invite a girl for a drink and then half of Thames Valley to tag along.”

He smiled and handed her his wallet. “Two birds.” he explained. “Where is himself?”

She looked up at him innocently. “Manchester. Just put him on the train.” She held his gaze, daring him to jump to conclusions. 

James sucked in his breath and held it. “Right.” He looks at her again. “Yeah. Right. That’s…eerrm. He didn’t say.”

Laura took pity on him and explained, “I wanted to talk to you. Not the whole circus.” 

“Sorry?” he said on auto-pilot. 

It took both of them to carry the drinks back to the table. James took an available seat by Jean Innocent and she kissed him on the cheek to the delight and whistles of their companions. 

The conversation inevitably turned toward the new guy. Everyone was passing mutilated bits of his reputation and record around for speculation though nobody knew his name and Jean was keeping a tight lip on that tidbit.

Jean added, “Very handsome. Very debonair. Very charming and as tough as nails.”

“The male version of you then, my love?” James asked innocently. She kissed him again and smiled smugly at the others. 

James got a few minutes with Beth Stewart and he caught Laura winking at the woman who turned out to be twenty-four and possessed a first in criminology.

The evening wound down at last. Laura invited him back to hers and he’d turned her down but she insisted. “The talking thing. Still going to happen and it’s closing time. That is your fault. Cab?”

They got to the house and she ordered him to sit. She pulled out whisky and served him without a word. He cleared his throat and sarcastically sipped. “Just the one, thanks.”

“We never continued our conversation,” she said taking the chair nearest him.

He digested that and blushed. “And you thought Robbie going out of town would be the perfect opportunity to…what?”

“See where you were with that? Yes. So, how are things…James?” She asked as if she had snacked on a few canaries. 

He cleared his throat nervously. “Things have smoothed over for the most part. Look, this is…” he trailed off, unable to voice his concern. He knocked back his drink and stood suddenly. “I should go.”

Laura sighed and poured him another drink. “Fine but he talks to me. We talk about you. I would think that might be of some interest to you. I could be wrong.”

James stopped, took a step back toward the sofa, changed his mind again, and raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. He shook his head as if angry with himself then strode back to the sofa in a huff, downed his waiting whisky and floped back down. “Tell me what you have to say.”

Laura refilled his glass, generously this time. He glared at her. He knew he should not drink it. 

“Do you like sex, James?” she asked directly.

He felt his face color. “Of course I do. I just don’t approve of a meaningless parade of shags. Thanks. Well now that we have…”

“You were with Fiona. So you like women?”

He just needed a sip for his dry mouth. “Yes.”

“You also like men?”

He tilts his head at her with belligerence and answered flatly, “Yes. Obviously.”

She lead with a sing-song unfinished sentence, “So that makes you…”

“A bloody disaster and therefore celibate. Mostly. Another of my many sodding failures.” he said with anger. He took another sip, just to calm himself. This was a very dangerous conversation and he could not see it ending in any good place. Still, he had to wonder what she had in mind. “What are you doing with this? Some cliché seduction or just sadistic curiosity? Don’t get me drunk, Doctor Hobson. You won’t like me very much.”

“I wonder sometimes, what you do like. What makes you tick? Why Robbie? Is he your one? Will you die alone because you can’t have him? Is there room for someone else?”

James shook his head at her in a disheartened display of hurt and incomprehension. He looked around the room as if her possessions might explain her strange behavior. “This is cruel, Doctor Hobson. Had not pegged you for utter spitefulness.”

“Oh James. I am not trying to be. Really I’m not.” She moved over onto the sofa and took his hand, “I am just trying to figure things out. I don’t want to cause you pain. But pretending with only part of the information isn’t getting us anywhere either. I am just asking, and I don’t know any other way to do this. I trusted you with my secrets, you know? I genuinely like you." She said, trying to pull him into a hug and finding nothing but stubborn resistance. 

She poured him another drink, and another. She has matched him, yet seems much less affected. 

His head is leaned carefully on her shoulder. They have talked about Robbie and Morse and the weather. She stroked his head and he obediently sipped when she refilled his glass, practically hypnotized by the sensation of her fingers on his scalp.

“What sort of woman do you like? What attracts you to someone?” Her hands have begun stroking his arms and his thigh. 

James breath was coming faster and his eyes well up as he realized how she had ramped up a paralyzing physical need he'd never before considered with her. His answer was a sort of plea for her to stop this. He had no doubt where it was going to lead and yet he felt spellbound. “Intelligence perhaps? Realistically, anyone willing to put up with me or perhaps I need a certain cruelty. I was convenient for Fiona until I wasn’t. The last time. The last time a woman got me drunk, I went to her bed that night thinking it meant something. I had known her my whole life and married her when I was something like eight? I thought she would choose love over money and well, maybe…so stupid. I was at her wedding pre-reception the next day and Robbie arrested her. The time before, I turned to someone for comfort, I ended up in her bed too. Then she set me on fire. I don’t have a good track record of trusting people. I don't choose well when it comes to that sort of thing”

“I am sorry that happened to you.”

James shrugs, “I should never drink. You’d think I would learn. I never do.” He looked at her and smiled sadly.

“Sometimes it lets us connect with people easier. We are more willing to take a chance because we are not so focused on the façade we show others. You are a very complex man, James Hathaway,” Laura said eyes wide and sparkling with mischief.

“Robbie always saves me, you see? I thought we were joking today. Talking about fantasies. Now this. I am so alone and I can’t deny for a second I haven’t thought about it. You’re lovely of course. But I am too drunk now and I can’t leave and I can’t stay.” James realized he was not making sense.

“You’re shaking.” She took him in her arms and soothed him. He burrowed into her as if nobody had ever held him. She felt him shuddering and it broke her heart. 

She tilted his head up and said gently, “You are beautiful and I want you. Just as you are.” She kissed him.

James kissed back. He knows this is wrong and it just makes it more tempting. He poured all that he could not have with Robbie; all his sorrow, shadowed despair and need into this woman. He understood it would destroy him and he would regret it and yet she is soft and warm and, yes, she smelled of Robbie. It is the tipping factor, that familiar scent he craves all over her. Her skin was alight with it and he was already sorry, but his body would not obey when the pleasure was so freely offered.  His need whispered lies to his mind and he didn't stop, though part of him was screaming that he must not allow this. 

His head was spinning now. Desire battled destruction and his long suppressed need drove him onwards like a clumsy tank in a sleepy village. He had had far too much to drink and he let her decide. “Go ahead Laura. Destroy me if you choose to do so.”

Laura smiled and stood up, “This way. Your wish is my command.”

He nodded and said goodbye to hope, knowing this would cost him everything. He followed, determined to make it worth it. His brain was defeated and he kissed her neck and unbuttoned her blouse. 


	18. Chapter 18

Laura shuddered through her third orgasm and he was brilliantly consumed in light as he made his blasphemous cries of joy and anguish. He collapsed, unwilling to move knowing he has betrayed Robbie Lewis. He finally managed to roll off her and she snuggled to his chest. His eyes remained open for a long time and silent tears trickled into his ear and onto the pillows. He slept but before dawn he was floating and he wanted her again. He roused her with caresses and looked into her eyes as he bucked into her with lust and imagined feelings that would wink out in the penitent morning light. 

She found him in the back garden, shivering and smoking. ”There you are. Why are you all dressed? I’m not done with you.” 

He can’t look at her yet. “What do we tell him?”

She looked amused and far too cheery. “The truth is my plan.”

In James’ mind it just confirmed his worst fears. She has planned this. She would give Robbie a tearful confession and dear kind Robbie would forgive her.

The best part was that he would never forgive James. 

He will hate James for it. It was his job to protect her. Robbie will never think badly of her, but James will have to face his disappointment and utter disgust. He’d seen that look on Robbie when his friend Jack turned out to be a felonious corrupt human being. He knew the look Robbie saved for the most heinous of criminals and now it would be turned upon James. 

He instantly knew that no matter the fact they both cheated on and betrayed Robbie, that ultimately James as supposed gentleman and worse than that, best friend, was morally obligated to let the burden lie on his shoulders. 

It didn’t matter that he was drunk, that was in fact shoddier, because he was free to leave and knew the consequences. Robbie would look at him, a selfish immoral reprobate, and he would see those same eyes he’d turned on Simon-the-wife-killer, every moment of his life from that second onward. 

Not even a cloister and a vow of silence would ever wipe away the pain and betrayal his actions would fit to Robbie’s face. He would never again glimpse the kindness and acceptance he so craved from the man he loved. That was lost to him forever and that knowledge would make his very existence unbearable. 

Her plan was so easy and he was so stupid. He took a long drag of his cigarette and dropped the butt on the ground.

He turned to her, hands clenched in his pockets to keep from hitting something and blanked his face with his public school smile. “Perfect plan, my dear. You already had him, but congratulations on the deciding win.”

He turned to storm out the door and she grabbed him to stop him. “James. I don’t think you—“

“Let go of me. Goodbye, Laura. Nicely played.” He shook loose from her and slammed the door hard enough that the window shattered. He heard her calling but he kept walking and refused to look back. 

He knew it. She planned the whole thing to take what little he had of Robbie away. There would be no hope in this world for him again and he had flat out told her to do it. His head was splitting and the cold air felt like it was seeping into his chest. He had come back only to screw it all up again.

By the time he got to his flat, she’d texted him sixteen times. He shut off his phone without reading them. The day went by as he stared into space, considering his options. He wasn’t fit to return to the church even if he still believed he had a vocation. Every single option was more bleak than he could stomach.

She came round, knocked on his door and sounded the buzzer. She called his named and demanded they talk again. He refused to answer. Talking had been the bait last night. He had no idea what he had expected her to say then and could think of nothing worth saying now. What would she promise him? To keep it a secret? At best it would mean she owned him until he was no longer of value and then she would wield his life like a sword. He had betrayed Robbie with the action and lying about the action or living a lie of omission didn't protect anyone from further damage. It only added insult to betrayal. Robbie deserved better. 

Eternal damnation was the price he would pay. Science says that what happened to him, all he had seen upon death, was simply the mind losing oxygen. Nick had said those who were unloved would bleed out over there. If they existed, and all he’d felt was true, they would feel this as well and they would know that they waited for James Hathaway no longer. 

Did Laura know he had come back for Robbie? Probably. It still was not her fault. He could have used the brain God had bloody given him and kept himself from making that mistake. He wondered if Robbie would kill him? It was rather unlikely. He would make him live to regret his pathetic lust by never speaking to him or about him, cut off as if he never existed. He thought of facing the people at work when word got around. Well, he needed to go into the office and at least make some sort of order of his files. 

He lay his will, and his life insurance on his kitchen table and picked up his keys and drove to work. 

He sat in the carpark mesmerized by birds gathered round a fallen still figure. They screamed their agony as they nudged their fellow, trying to coax him to get up again. His wing fluttered then he grew still. Each bird took a turn, bowing its little head then raising it to the sky and making an unholy squawk of grief. He read that they were the most intelligent birds on the planet. He wondered which among the charm belonged to the one who died. What would become of his lady wife today? Magpies mate for life. 

He was sad that he would never see Robbie again, but best to remember him as his friend and not when he found out what he’d done. He damned sure wouldn’t mourn James now. He thought of Nick, waiting for him on the Camino. “Sorry, mate.”  

Jean was just leaving as he entered the building. She seemed shocked to see him. He pasted on a huge grin and looked sheepish, “Just a couple hours. Forgot to tidy up a few bits and some paperwork. That’s all, I promise. Just a bit of donkey work.”

“James. Are you alright?”

He looked confused. “Course. Why?”

“Lewis rang me. Said he couldn’t get ahold of you.”

“Oh. I went rowing this morning. Took a bit of a splash. Both my phones are fish food I’m afraid. Sorry.” He said with a sheepish shrug. 

“Hathaway? Again? A Plastic container would save you so much trouble. I have mentioned this on numerous occasions?”

He smirked and nodded. “Bit of a hangover. Forgot.”

“Get out of my sight. Berk. I will call Robbie and tell him to stop being a mother hen.”

“Thank you, Ma’am.”

He straightened all the files and left notes on all his open cases. When he was done he looked around one last time and left a bag of pork scratchings and his favorite Graf von Faber-Castell he’d bought for himself when he’d made Sergeant on Lizzie’s desk with a note telling her it was a gift and to guard it well when taking notes because it wrote like a dream. He also wrote with a flourish of his best handwriting that he thanked her for putting up with him and wished her a bright future. 

When he left the building, on impulse, he strolled over to the body of the magpie. Its beak was open and its eye was closed. His friends had finally given up on him and moved on. Very gently, James picked up the bird and moved it off the pavement and carefully placed him in the garden under the roses. One of his wing feathers flapped loosely and threatened to blow away. James picked it up and ran it through his fingers. 

From the roof of the station a squawk sounded. James turned and saw he was being observed. He took some shiny coins from his pocket and sprinkled them around the dead bird. He turned back to Mrs. Magpie and bowed slightly. 

He wandered around a certain corner and made a purchase that no police officer should ever make. Then he waited for the hour and listened to the bells chime loud and pure that it was four in the afternoon. Four for a boy, he thought and smiled. His eyes closed as the waves of sound lightened his chest with the promise of not heaven, but simple dark peace before the bells sounded again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are wondering what a magpie funeral looks like, here is a link that gave me inspiration. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=magpie+funeral&FORM=VIRE4#view=detail&mid=0A56E4D7F0810600351C0A56E4D7F0810600351C


	19. Chapter 19

He returned to his flat and unlocked the door. He was not alone.

“She told you. And you came all this way. Perfect.”

Robbie Lewis sat at his table, face dark and full of roar. “What the hell is the matter with you?”

James took a deep breath and blew it out. “No matter what you think you have to say to me, it won’t make me feel any worse than I already do. I don’t need to hear this. Please…”

“I have been on the phone with Laura, she’s been crying for four hours you bullheaded inconsiderate bastard. “ Robbie looked at him and there it was, that look of disappointment and misery. It had not gotten to disgust and curses yet, probably had not fully sunk in.

James smirked and put on his best public school shit-face. “I bet she has. Tears and regrets. Kind of predictable.” He met the blowtorch charring his soul and determined to make it quick work. 

“How can you do that to her?” Robbie shouted. 

“Poor Laura. I rather thought it was you whom I betrayed. She participated so she has fewer platforms for my sympathy.” James searched his cabinets for a box and set it on the counter with deliberate solemnity. 

“She _doan_ need your sympathy, lad. A little kindness or at least an ear cleaning so you can hear something besides those useless stupid quotes you have filled your bloody head with, neglecting the care and feeding of your heart entirely,” Robbie said, Geordie dialect thick with anger. 

James swallowed and met his eyes with cool glamor, “Do tell me what you really think, Sir.”

“She tries to comfort you and this is how you repay her?” he demanded then lifted the will from his kitchen table and knocked it and everything else off the surface. “And this is how you repay me? I don’t want your stuff. Not one thing.”

James bent over and picked up the document, crossed Robert Lewis out and sloppily wrote in the word ‘Oxfam’ and tossed it onto the table. “Problem solved. Is there anything else you would like to address?” 

The wind goes out of Robbie’s sails and he looked at the floor and shook his head. “Alright James. I will leave you to it if that’s what you want so badly. If this is what it looks like I won’t be long to follow. I can’t even get me head around it. I went to see me grandson and now I don’t have anyone when I get back.” He reached in his pocket and tossed Laura’s ring on the table. He met James’ eyes and saw he understood. 

“You knew about that too? So just one last question because this old man is completely lost. Why? Why?”

James looked at the ring on the table and he finally lost his composure. “I’m so sorry. You won’t ever know how sorry. But I swear to you, it wasn’t my idea. I’d rather die than hurt you. Forgive me if you can someday. It is my responsibility but it wasn’t my idea.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay - before I hear it - yes I do know what the designer drug cocktail is in the syringe but I was advised to not get too technical here in order to not give people ideas and yes it is becoming a problem in the UK and is sold in syringes with other stuff because in pill form the effects take too long and people keep popping them then die horribly. Lets just say it is the new nasty and Oxford isn't far from London.

Robbie looked stunned. “Of course it wasn’t your idea. It was Mine. Look at what a cock up it’s turned into?”

“That…doesn’t make any sense. Laura wanted me out of your life forever. She plays the contrite confessor and you will forgive her. You will never trust me again no matter what I say and she takes you away from me forever and all my hope is now lost. If that is your idea then I have to ask you, Sir. Why?” 

Robbie’s lips moved but no sound came out. He shook his head and then he threw his head back and laughed. 

James eyes widened and his fingers sought the comfort of the syringe in his pocket. The dealer had done him a service. Of course, James knew exactly what he wanted, he had friends over in vise and he had worked enough cases of this rave-prefered substance being lethal. He knew there would be seizures toward the end, but he would never feel them. It would not be an attractive death, but it would be relatively quick.

He reached his hand into the box and feels no further doubt in his course of action. Robbie was still chuckling as he withdrew the syringe from his pocket as if in a daze. He deserves this. It is exactly what he did to Will. Laughed at him. 

He put it down on the table and removed his jacket. “You need to go now, sir.”

Robbie’s laughter cuts off as he watched James tilt his head back and swallow something in a dark bottle and roll up his sleeve.   He thumped his arm looking for a vein. 

“What the hell are you doing, man? “ Robbie picked up the bottle and read the name, Nick Dugger. 

“I didn’t have enough of that but this will boost it. Please leave and let me convulse and vomit up a lung in peace. We all die alone in the end.” James said concentrating with singular attention on the syringe in his hand as if Robbie will just stand here and let this happen. 

James isn’t playing and he is stabbing his arm and working the plunger before Robbie can think. He leaped forward and knocked the needle out of James’ hand. James looked up, glassy eyed and furious. “Oh please. Don’t be sanctimonious now Robbie, you just said you’d leave me to it but you just didn’t leave. ”

Robbie hauled him to his feet and shook him angrily. “I can’t seem to make you understand. Maybe this will.” He pulled his head down and took James’ lips with all the love he knew how. James returned the kiss, sloppy and desperate. 

James whimpered, a high keening cry and his knees gave out and he slipped down Robbie like a sack of awkward potatoes. Robbie sat down on the lino next to him and took him in his arms. “I need to call for help.”

“No. It will cost me my job. It’s my only refuge, Robbie. I won’t die. There wasn’t enough left. Just stay with me and explain?”

They dither on that subject for a time. Robbie called Laura who said she’s on her way. They moved to the sofa and Robbie does his best to keep James conscious. 

“It was my idea James. I’m so sorry, soft lad. She and I have cooked up this three person disaster and we just needed to know if you and she felt anything. It couldn’t be about me. If I was gone and you were relaxed…she said she explained part of it and you seemed to get it. I hopped on the train north and all was well and she woke up and you had gone mad. She was terrified. You wouldn’t answer. Wouldn’t let her explain the rest. Innocent swore you had killed your phones and were fine, but I knew and I was already on the train back. Got here and saw what a mess it really was and ..stay awake? I love you. Do you even know that? Laura adores you and we got some stupid bloody idea that we could all watch out for each other.”

“That’s crazy, sir. I can’t live with betraying you, like that. I don’t know how.”James breathes deeply trying not to weep. He can’t fathom how he’s in Robbie’s arms right now. 

“I know that now. Look you said to me once that you didn’t want to wake up in twenty years, old and alone with nothing to show but a life spent picking through others misery. I never got past that.”

“I’m sorry. I was angry. It was a long time ago.”

“I know, but that didn’t make it any less true. Don’t you see? I am on the back end of time here and even if I live another ten years and don’t go downhill before. We both know that in twenty years, you will wake up exactly where you said. Alone with nothing to show. Not just you. I had the same problem with Laura. If you or her take up with me, we have to face the reality of it. I may only have a couple years, who knows,” Robbie said gently. 

“That’s true with anyone. We have wasted so much time,” James added.

“But if it was all of us…together. Then when I go, I know neither of you will be alone. You would have each other to carry on. So I thought the only obstacle was to find out if you…you know…”

“Could make wild rumpy-pumpy with Laura?”

Robbie blushed and nodded. “I’m sorry lad. She usually steers me away from such terrible ideas.” 

James looked at him sleepily, “Must be the morphine because that actually sort of makes sense. But why didn’t you want to…umm…rumpy-pumpy with me?”

Robbie wrinkled his forehead at him and smirks. “I do. There is no bloody doubt there. But if you and I…then I was afraid you would feel like I led you on. And, she’s usually much belter with all this than I am. All I know is that I love you so much more than I know how to make you understand and even if you had seduced Laura, I would have forgiven you. I always do, don’t I, when you make a cock up of the situation? Conversational Mandarin ring any bells?”

James was quite. He stared up at Robbie as if he were a child looking at his first new bicycle. James eyes blinked slowly. “I think it worked. I died because this can’t be right.”

“You can’t ever, ever do this again, James. Yea know I could never live with it? What if I had not come?” Robbie’s eyes go wide as he thinks of this. “I thought your lot didn’t do this? How could you have?”

“You’re all I have. I’d thrown you away and I thought she’d done it to push you away from me. If you hate me, it is damnation and no fire of hell could ever burn worse. But hell isn’t flames. It is the separation from the love of God. A soul will bleed until it reaches darkness, nothing. I’m so sorry.”

Robbie sat and waited. “So…any thoughts?”

“Yes, vividly naughty ones as vast as the stars.” James said then broke out in giggles. “Oooopsie?”

Robbie looked down and realized James was aroused. It struck Robbie as funny because it gave him a rather instant responding reaction and James was just out of it enough to make a single syllable seem like the smuttiest word in the English language. “Sir.”


	21. Chapter 21

They were still laughing when Laura tumbled through the door in a gust of wind and with shopping bags and terror on her face. She stopped and cocked her head. 

“Suicide attempt funny?” Laura demanded, shoving charcoal tablets at James and pulling an IV set up out of her bag. She was livid and her feelings were hurt. 

“Any vomiting?”

She assessed him brusquely, eyeing him with a promise that he would be getting a piece of her mind as well. “I’m sorry,” he said simply.

“You should be,” she said with clipped syllables. 

“I didn’t understand. I do care about you. Both of you. So much it…Sorry.”

“Shut up and hold out your arm. Before I kill you myself.” Laura said. “And no complaints, I haven’t done this in years.”

James looked both bemused and chastised. “Bossy woman.” he said as he complied. 

“He’s too high on that morphine to know what he’s saying. You will have to wait, if you want anything sensible out of him,” Robbie said gently.

“If a shag with me gets this reaction, what chance in hell do the three of us have of any future? I am making a mistake here, and I know it. This won’t end here, you know? People in danger of this once, have many instances of the impulse. Why would he smuggle his friend’s drug from a year ago, if this were not part of who he is?” Laura said as if Loopy James was not in the room. 

“No. I think it might not be the first time it has occurred to him,” Robbie admitted solemnly.

Laura looked up at him with compassion, “It isn’t the first time he’s tried it on either.”

“Is first time,” James mumbled. 

“Give me a reason that he won’t just be better at it next time?” Laura said shaking her head. “I have no patience for this sort of drama.”

“He thought you tricked him into betraying me. If you want to know how strong something is, test it until it breaks. The lad can mostly manage us hurting him, but he can’t survive it if he hurts us. He has lots of experience with abandonment. Maybe we can fix that enough. I want to try.”

“I went to a magpie funeral today. A charm of magpies cried his sorrow, “James confessed.

They sat and waited. Laura kept James’ vitals under strict watch.  Robbie explained further. James mumbled every so often but his eyes remained closed, stoned out of his gourd.

“He thought I would go that far to get rid of him? How can he be so stupid?” Laura asked shaking her head.

Robbie laughed and reminded her that he had dated people who wanted to do a lot worse to get rid of him and he worked in the thick of worse every day too. “What does he have to compare to? Murders and broken lives? Nothing but bad experiences.”

James pipes in, “Actually so far, even with the morphine, this is the best relationship I have ever had. Just saying. So far the sex is to die for.”

Laura tried to keep the laughter at the morbid humor in, but it suddenly bubbled up in peals of relief and Robbie joined in. “Only going to get better, soft lad.”

By Sunday morning, James was fine. They discussed their intention with a very somber and embarrassed James. It went well, even if it did involve a bit of weeping. James couldn’t believe they wanted him after what he’d just pulled. He repeatedly begged forgiveness and was awestruck by how easily it was found. They had breakfast and James let Robbie kiss him and Laura pulled his head to her shoulder and petted him, soothing his worries. 

Now the nerves set in. 

“So, how is this going to work exactly? Are we all going to…at the same time? Or probably in pairs. I have made us a tentative schedule if we do pairs – of course our work schedule may conflict with this to the point of…oh bloody hell, this is never going to work…”

“James. I really need you to calm the hell down and take a breath. Go. Inhale some poison and—“

“No. I have quit. You don’t like to kiss smokers and so far the first eight hours have gone really …well horrendously …but it should get better in a few da…weeks.”

Robbie smiled his forever patient half smirk at James as he guided him over to a chair and began working his belt off and his trousers open. “I know a special thing that will calm you down. Laura? Get in here. You said you wanted to watch,” Robbie called while flopping pillows down in front of Hathaway’s chair with cool self-assurance as if this were an everyday business. 

“God in heaven,” James wheezed as if he had been stabbed and it was not even a guess. He knew what he sounded like when stabbing and death happened and this was sort of like that except that the level of pain had morphed into equally debilitating pleasure. 

Laura stalked in with a grin on her face and handed Robbie a tube of pineapple flavored slick.  James’ eyes rolled back in his head as Robbie fully engulfed him in his mouth and James began to pray, in Latin…of course.

When Robbie finally allowed James to complete the mission, James wondered if he would need an exorcism. Robbie looked rather smug when it was over, at Laura’s exclaimed, ‘Bravo!”

James was so boneless and glassy eyed after, that Laura teased, “I wouldn’t have let you go first if I had known you were going to break him.”

Robbie took Laura in his arms and said, “He can watch you wiggle around the sofa until he reboots.”

Robbie was focused on Laura, who did wiggle about quite a bit when Robbie worked his magic, when she happened to look at James. “Boy Wonder,” she said appreciatively. 

James snickered, “Your Girlfriend isn’t creepy at all. Should I ring up Jean? She’s sad and lonely too?” 

Laura laughed and said, “No. She’s not. Her new guy is retired MI6. They are going to travel. You were just to distract the paparazzi.”

“Pity. Oh. We so need to get her back for using poor little me. We need to make a plan. We could tell her I am actually in love with her and watch her squirm as she tries to let me down…”

“Hey, joy riders. The yacking…Oh. Hello,” Robbie said seeing the state Hathaway was in again from watching the proceedings. The older man's chin was shiny and his eyes were soft with delight. 

An hour later, the sitting room reeking of sex and sweat, three very comfortably satisfied people were just getting ready to share some ice cream in some mildly illegal ways, when the doorbell buzzed. Three heads came up, looking much like Tarsiers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the heck are Tarsiers?  
> https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1477812351027506/


	22. Chapter 22

“Oh no. Is it Sunday? Already? That’s Stewart about the catering for Jean’s do. I have to let her in." James is scrambling for clothing and Robbie and Laura panicked and grabbed their kit and headed to the bedroom. James did the best he could as the buzzer rang again. “DI Hathaway? It’s Constable Stewart, Sir?”

James managed to open the door a half-second before he noticed that his shirt is neither tucked in, nor is it on right-side out. He can’t even button the unbuttoned buttons. “Sorry I was, sleeping.”

She looked a little skeptical, “Is this a bad time, Sir?”

“No. I was expecting you.”

She smiled nervously and cocked her head in confusion as Robbie came out of the bedroom. Her eyes grew wide and her breath hitched when Laura then followed.

She looked at the three of them and then a strange look came over her face, “Hello, DI Lewis, Doctor Hobson. Were you napping too? Only, you ought to dress him a bit more carefully.” She stooped to the floor and using a pencil, she lifted a used johnny off the floor. Her very green eyes bugged out, she placed the embarrassingly discarded item exactly back where she’d found it. 

James scrubbed his hands through his hair and looked guilty around, searching for a plan. 

“Well, having obviously just interrupted something I don’t even want to begin to sort.” she grinned and tried very hard to keep her face straight, “I noticed a delightful coffee establishment just up the road. I suggest that apparently, being the junior officer, that I should pop out and treat us all to some of that. Shall I? Then we can get down to business once the tidy DI and his flat have been thoroughly…disinfected and…aired.”  

James bashfully said, ”Oh I have coffee…”

She looked at him with contempt and leaned in to whisper loudly, “I am sure you do, but I can’t drink it with any hope of keeping my composure and when I come back from leaving, your shirt will be on properly and neatly buttoned as always and we will never speak of this moment again. Nobody would believe me anyway. Sirs, Ma’am.”

Robbie and Laura burst out laughing the second the door closed behind her. James grumbled. 

“Howay, James. It’s not that bad.” Robbie said, his eyes filled with mirth and his hand held on to Laura's shoulder in a bid to keep upright whilst his knees went weak with his imitation of her face as Stewart had picked up the condom. Laura was nodding and unable to speak due to the fact her laughter had deteriorated into a wheezing airless rattle

James shrugged his shirt off and tossed it on the floor then stomped into the bedroom for a fresh one. “Sure it’s fine for you. You don’t know her. She saved my life.”

“So?” Robbie asked.

“So I might like her to do it again some time and mouth to mouth is definitely out now that she’s caught me cheating on Jean with you two! She will be disgusted and let me bleed out!” James finally registered how silly what he said was and buttoned his cuffs very stiffly as Laura and Robbie cleared the flat of the debris field. .

Hathaway let her back in. She glared at him. “No wonder Gurdip bows,” Is all she said as she handed him a very strong coffee. She then put on a pleasant face and presented her ideas for the retirement party. They agreed to everything, too embarrassed to even quibble.

Monday at the Nick was somewhat weird. Maddox thanked him for the lovely and expensive pen and then watched him suspiciously. Innocent asked him to come to her office. 

“I have had the most interesting conversations with two very earnest young ladies, warning me that you are a cheating freak, and I am not quoting exactly, just streamlining. I have also been warned that you may be leaving. Guess which one concerns me the most?” Jean said with a placid smile.

“I would never cheat on you, Ma’am.”

“And you guess wrong.”

“Lizzy is mistaken. I simply tidied a little.”

Jean sucked in a deep breath. “You and Lewis solve you’re the-other-is-out-of-my-sight for five minutes issue?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Most satisfactorily.”

She smiled up at him and nodded. “Very happy for you, James.”

He beamed at her. “Thank you, Ma’am”

“Your phones?”

“Inexplicably dried out and working.”

“Glad to hear it. How is my party coming along?”

James never blinked, “Not sure ma’am. Haven’t heard anything since the strippers canceled. Oh, and I am supposed to surreptitiously ask your opinion on florescent penguins in party hats.”

Jean tilted her head and waited. James stood quietly at attention. “He is going to rip your guts out and chew your bollocks off. The new guy? Just warning you, my love.”

“Not unless his name is headmaster Clement, Ma’am. Everyone since has gotten sloppy seconds” James replied.

She rolled her eyes, “Go away.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok so one line randomly posts at normal size - the rest of the story in ---TINY! Formatting - the adventure continues......

There were no strippers. The venue was elegant; the champagne was cold; the nibbles delicious. Jean smiled at James, her Mr. Innocent for the evening, of course. “This is unexpectedly lovely, James. How the hell did you pay for it?” 

“Sold a few clunkers out of the motorpool and there may be a problem with some missing evidence over in vice,” James deadpanned. 

“And not my problem because I will not be here to see you put on the rack.”

“You miss all the fun, Ma’am,” James said as he offered to dance with her.

The evening was a success and James made certain to profusely thank Constable Stewart and her lovely family. Jean gave a dignified short speech and then made the introduction of CS Joe Moody. He had spent most of the party, trolling the attendants and that somehow rubbed James the wrong way. Jean hadn’t told him. 

An hour later they were headed back to her place. “Something is in your craw?”

“You set people up for a fall. Ma’am. Jokes at a party can be taken the wrong way by someone wanting to prove himself. He will have to knock heads with someone. Everyone was there to enjoy one last night with you, as your friend. You let him…spy on us,” James said neutrally but firmly. 

“I’m sorry you feel that way. In my view it was an opportunity to get to know the people and that way he might form some bonds quickly. Rank can be a barrier.  It is hard for someone to see who he is dealing with, when they are all putting on a show. It was hard for me. You were the first friend I had here. Lewis showed up and I could have killed you both half the time, but you got results. The rest were not so welcoming. It took a very long time to really gain more than professional rapport with anyone. ”

“Sorry, I hope you are right.”

“Thank you James. For all the trouble you caused me, I am still really glad I got so many opportunities to make you squirm. And the party was beyond perfect. I didn’t believe you about the strippers for a second but you did give me a turn on the suggestion of penguin decor. Believe it or not, I have seen worse. I went to one party that had a boob cake. There were Willies on the punch bowl. Mortifying.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. 

“Maybe we all get the retirement party we deserve. You are nothing but class, Ma'am"

"You got me in a world of trouble, but you always made me shine in the end.  Thank you."

"Been an honor, Ma’am, you will always be my first true love,” he said, meaning it. 

She touched his arm, “Take care of Lewis, and Laura…now that you have got them.”

James blushed and tried not to smile like a goon. “Goodnight, Jean. Safe travels.”

He drove home. Well, Laura’s flat. Where Robbie and Laura were, was where he was home now. 

James knew Robbie was brooding the second he walked in the door. Robbie looked up at James. He knew what Robbie was thinking and he answered, “I know. I spoke to her about it.”

“Doesn’t matter now. It’s done and I don’t like a person who lies to me from moment one. Introduced himself as DI Moody. Went through training with Jean, from her old Nick. Pack of codswallop,” Robbie ranted.

“Not much we can do about it.” James said.

“What did she say?”

“What he told her, I imagine. Wanted to get to know us without the rank getting in the way. I told her it was spying. She said to take care of the two of you, now that I have you. Stewart told her I was cheating. She hates me now. Wouldn’t even dance with me. Pity. She’s brilliant. Maddox won’t be a sergeant long if I have much to say about it.”


	24. Chapter 24

Moody put on a smiling face as he gave his ‘New Sherriff’ speech. Robbie glowered at him the entire time. He spoke of exciting new changes and updated procedures and streamlining blah, blah, blah and Bob’s your Uncle. 

“And where are you headed, DI Lewis?”

“To actual work, Sir.”

“Well, if you mean the open cases, I have reassigned them. You are a consultant now, old timer. Can’t have you out chasing hooligans a third your age.   We need you here for the thinking, and to get up to speed on the procedures and newly implemented worksheets so you can help the youngsters when they bring in the bad guys,” he condescended cheerfully. 

“As you wish, Sir.” Robbie said with all the humility of a bull who was about to stomp a Pamplona fool. 

“Does the former Mr. Innocent have something to add?” he asked, addressing Hathaway, noticing his blatant look of outraged disgust.

“Before you put him out to pasture, Sir, you might want to check DI Lewis’ stats. Highest close rate in the Nick, still. And he still keeps up with me, running after bad guys, just a tip. You can figure out how to explain to your boss why the murders go unsolved while you have him counting paper clips by eights rather than tens, Sir.”

“Oh, I love volunteers. You won’t get your way with me just because you bat your pretty eyelashes at me. I don’t need a date, DI Hathaway. You have been ruling the roost at the hen party, let’s see how you do with the rooster in charge and then we will talk. Think you can step up to the plate or have you been coasting on good graces too long? Time to pull your weight or join your fancy caterers.”

“Sir. Your guidance is riveting so far.”

The whole room was silent. Hathaway stood watching the other man slam the door to his office.

“That went well. “ Lewis said with a smirk.

“He called himself a rooster. I really couldn’t have topped that. Sorry, Robert. This is completely ridiculous.”

“Part time. I get paid the same for counting paper clips as I do for interrogating murderers.” 

James dialed. A sleepy voice answered. “Ma’am. When are you coming back? This taking the piss, pretending to retire has gone far enough.”

“Hathaway? Miss me do you? Already? It’s only half nine.”

“Waited as long as I could, Ma’am.”

“I can’t do anything about it, but what happened,” she asked with amusement.

“Let’s see, he addressed me as the former Mr. Innocent. Took all of Lewis’ cases, called my eyelashes pretty and Lewis an old-timer. Oh, and he refuses to date me so I had better start pulling my weight. Likened your Nick to an inferior hen party. He also informed me that the rooster, meaning him, is now in charge. Funny he said it with a straight face and I assume that if I mention a derivative of the word rooster, that we would have an adequate analysis of his personality. Rhymes with dock.”     

She sighed. 

“Sorry, ma’am. Just wanted you to know that missing you does not begin to describe the ache of my soul for your delightful presence.”

“Okay, James. Well, you do have pretty eyelashes.”

“Have a pleasant trip, Jean. Look us up when you return. Should try the traffic warden side if I have disappeared from here.”

Lizzy sat in the office in stunned silence. 

“Should we put our cases in order again, Sir? He left himself wide open and I know you. Cock is going to come out of your mouth by the end of the week. There is a pool going round already. Make it Friday and I will split the pot. Last count was at three hundred quid.”

“I seem to have picked up smoking again. Join me for a chat?”

There were fifteen smokers hiding out in the covered area, some newly minted, They clapped when James arrived. Gurdip bowed. James bowed back.  There was little conversation. Everyone was looking a bit shell-shocked. Lizzy went for coffee and nobody was in a hurry to go back inside. 

James made it through the day; glad of the refuge he had waiting for him when he got home. The one he had taken for granted was no longer as appealing. He might even call in sick tomorrow, just stay in bed with Lewis and Laura. They all had a terrible case of Moody Dick and it was probably contagious.


	25. Chapter 25

Robbie was late and Moody had already been in James’ office three times to insinuate that old people were of little practical value. He had nosed through James’ cases and offered his unvarnished opinion of the matters until James was seething.

It was Davies shout of incredulity that brought attention to the filthy giant DI Lewis was parading into the Nick, cuffed and covered in gore. Robbie, flanked by several uniform wearing followers, looked like he’d taken a beating. 

“Oh My God.” Maddox exclaimed covering her nose at the odor of death wafting towards them. 

“What the…” Moody demanded using mumbled curses to convey his disapproval of the foul air assaulting his perfectly appointed in bespoke person. “DI Lewis? What is the meaning of this?” 

Hathaway interjected at his shoulder, “The meaning, Sir, is that the ‘old man’, found a killer and the man who nearly killed me whilst on a crime scene a couple of months ago, and has arrested him, finally. Apparently, putting him to pasture won’t stop him from police work. Excuse me, Sir. Better go see if I can assist DI Lewis with his Zimmer frame.”

Robbie couldn’t help but strut a bit as he met Hathaway’s eyes. Hathaway grinned as he spoke too low for others to overhear, “Look at you? Think he will call me racist if I ask him how that crow tastes compared to cock?”

“Better not give him the option. Not bad for an old man, Aye?”

“Do explain how that happened between our house and here. I thought you were right behind me? Are you alright? Your head is bleeding. and your eye, and your nose. You look a wreck, in fact. Should get yourself checked out. Perhaps a shower and delousing”

“It wasn’t easy. But I am fine. I stopped to get coffee. Barista was complaining about the smell and I called for backup then went to investigate. He was indisposed… but the stench. Looked a bit like our Hagrid. When I identified myself, he came at me. He did all this, after I cuffed him. Uniform showed up. Still had Mrs. Hadley’s decomposing hands in his pockets. Her wedding ring was still on her finger. I am betting some of that will be your blood on his sleeve.”

James murmured, “My hero. You arrested my murderer.”

Robbie blushed, “Go on with you, soft lad. Course I did.”

“Oh. Look who is coming.”

“Morning, Sir. Sorry I was late.”

Moody looked at Lewis trying to get his mind in order, “Well, I hope you are up to speed on the forms from yesterday. Looks like you had a bingo today. You are injured?”

“I’m fine. Us old codgers are a bit tougher than we look.”

Moody nodded, though his face still looked skeptical. “So it would seem. Good result, if unorthodox. Get yourself to A&E. From now on, leave the heavy lifting to the younger blokes. I will overlook it this time.”

Robbie looked like he’d been slapped, “Very generous of you, sir. I will just dodder over to the house for a change of clothes if it’s all the same to you.”

“It isn’t. A&E, that’s an order, Lewis,” Moody reaffirmed.

“ Innocent would have had me back out on the next case by now. You are quite the softie, deep down. Sir,” Robbie replied dangerously.

Moody tilted his head back and tried to cover his frustration with this stubborn block of wood. “As impressed as I am that you somehow pulled this off, it does not change procedure. You are required to be medically cleared before further assignment. Davies will take over from here. It is his case, if I understand correctly. It is my opinion that you involved yourself because of a personal grudge concerning the injury of your former bagman. Understandable, but, not relevant from here forward. Clear?” 

“Perfectly, Sir.”

“Good. Now, off with you. Hathaway can drive you. He doesn’t seem too busy. Has time to stand around and chat out in the smoking area. I don’t approve of tobacco use. That little covert facility is not long for this world. Suggest the lot of you invest in some cease-smoking aids relatively quickly.” He smiled and nodded then turned with military precision and walked away.

James made a face and stuck out his tongue at him. 

“I saw that,” Moody said as if bored.


	26. Chapter 26

By the end of the week, Hathaway, Maddox and secretly Lewis had cleared his open cases. This was achieved by staying as far away from the office as humanly possible whilst stumbling across a few lucky breaks. By the following Monday, Moody was glaring less. Lewis even solved one of his reassigned cases which had the new boss sputtering. He begrudgingly allowed Lewis to help with Davies still unsolved bludgeoning. Lewis and Davies brought in the suspect within twenty four hours. 

“You think you’re a bit of a super star, don’t you? DI Lewis?” Moody interrupted Robbie from behind, in front of everyone. 

Robbie turned away from the suspect board and stopped writing in the middle of the word ‘connection.’ to observe Moody for a split second. The four sergeants, seven Constables and two DI’s he was explaining his theory to, turned wide eyes toward Moody, who stood in the doorframe, arms and legs crossed, leaning casually to the left, face glowering mysteriously as if waiting to be photographed for a new detective series press shot.

Some of the other DI’s snickered. “Batman!” Robbie blushed and shushed them before any of them started the ‘nanananana” song.

“No Sir. I just do me job. When people allow me to, that is.” Robbie replied neutrally. 

“I’m sorry, did I interrupt you holding court?” Moody said with a spark of challenge to his tone.

“Sir, it was my understanding that you ordered me to share my old-timer techniques with those still capable of the heavy lifting. Following your orders, not holding court.” Robbie closed the marker and slammed it on the tray.

DC Wells added shyly, “We just asked him to explain how he got there on the case he and Davies handled last week…Sir?”

Moody lowered his chin and sucked in his breath, meeting every single person’s eye individually so they knew he was aware of their loyalty. 

“The dynamic duo? Batman and Boy Wonder? What do you suppose that means?”

Robbie shrugged, “Nothing much. Just all in fun. We all have one. Peterson is Action Man, Hobson is Doctor Strange, Crews is Smurfly, Mackay is McDuff, even you have an alter ego Sir?”

“Do I now, and what would that be?”

“Not my place to say, Sir. Has to do with your poultry metaphor though. Use your imagination.” 

“What was Innocent’s?”

“Her Royal Majesty.   What else?”

Moody couldn’t help but smirk a bit at that. “This place is a team. You get me? No superstars around here. Back to work.”

He spun on his heel and nearly bumped Hathaway. He had not heard James stand at his shoulder for the exchange. “Ahh. Not sitting in on the Don’s tutorial, Boy Wonder?”

Hathaway’s voice was even, if cold, but his eyes gave away his contempt. “I was privileged to see him in action for many years, Sir. He learned the knowledge from DCI Morse and DS Maddox will learn it from me. Sitting in would be like a London cab driver taking a guided tour of the Victoria embankment.”

“Got news for you, Hathaway. Cabs in London use GPS now.” Moody replied.

“No Sir, they don’t. Not the real ones, at least.” James assured him.

Moody opened his mouth to disagree.

James beat him to it by adding, “My father has driven for thirty years. He knows every mews and building in London and would quit if anyone made him sink so low as to trust technology over experience and instinct. GPS is a fine tool, but it can’t replace him.”

Moody chewed his lip for a second, thinking. “Point made. Carry on then.” 

Robbie rolled his eyes after the man was out the door. 

James whispered, “Liar.”

Robbie smirked and looked confused. “How’s that?”

“You inferred his nickname was chicken related. Moody Dick is a derivation of an unrelenting vindictive whale.”

“Yeah, but you got there from rooster to cock to dick. He’s was a detective, once upon a time. Let him figure it out. It isn’t a lie, just maybe a bit of a red herring.” Robbie said back with a smug smile. 


	27. Chapter 27

Hathaway updated the new chief on his now vanished case load. The reports sat in a stack on the man’s desk and the meeting had actually gone somewhat cordially. 

Moody suddenly leaned back in his chair and chewed on a pencil. “Tell me about Lewis?”

James flinched for a moment. “What would you like to know, Sir?”

“You obviously think I have made an error in judgement, delegating him to office work.”

“His record speaks for itself, Sir. I have nothing to add other than he is one of the finest men I have ever had the privilege of knowing.”

“Come on. You were his bagman for a long time. Too long, in fact. You left the force and he retired. Don’t tell me you never had a conflict. What is the real story there? Off the record if you please.”

“I am not sure what you are asking, Sir. I remained his bagman, because I chose to. He repeatedly encouraged me to set my sights on advancement as did Chief Innocent. However, it was my view that I was personally not ready. When he retired, I was unsure if I had what it took to continue without his guidance. There was a suspect, whom I questioned and he committed suicide. I blamed myself. I still do. I should have seen how unstable he was. It made me question my judgement enough that I needed some time to consider my options.” 

“I see. Well, that at least makes more sense. Candidly, do you think Lewis is still capable of real police work or is his standing just out of familiarity and reputation?”

“There is no doubt in my mind, sir. I care about him a great deal. I owe him my life, repeatedly. If I thought for a second he were incapable, much less a danger to himself, I would insist he step-down. He is an asset to the force and we are lucky to have him. You are wasting a valuable talent with making him do constable work. I’m sorry, but you asked for my opinion.” 

Moody nodded thoughtfully. “I did. I don’t like you very much, to be honest, but I can’t argue with your clear rate. Why do you still feel he’s of value when you can do fine on your own?”

“I can’t take full credit, Sir. I found his unofficial input invaluable in several instances. Put him somewhere and I think you will see, his results always follow.”

“That’s exactly what I mean. When I met him, I thought broken down old plodder who just wants to coast. Then, I busted his balls and the whole Nick closed ranks. So I thought ok, loveable old sod, has-been, here by everyone’s good graces, doesn’t know when to retire. But he did retire, before he had to. Then I look at the package and let me tell you, Jean spared no expense to entice him to return. That stands out. And I have to make a decision about offering him renewal. What do I get for my money? Jean thought he's worth it so there has to be something to it. He keeps smiling at me like he feels sorry for me and doing these unbelievable surprising things and on top of it all, he’s not some smoopy old fool everyone gets along with because he’s a push over. He’s a grouchy old bastard at best but there isn’t a man, excuse me. person, in this Nick who doesn’t take up for him. What am I missing here?”

Hathaway tried so hard to keep his mouth shut, but it was not in the cards. “Practically everything. Sir. You are letting your preconceived notions cloud your ability to integrate into this Nick smoothly. You want to prove you are the boss and your bluster and hard-arse routine are just unnecessary and insulting those who would otherwise be looking to you for guidance and authority. We expected transitional bumps, sir, because you are stepping into some hard shoes to fill, but you make your predecessors occasional odd hormonal outbursts seem mild. Don’t get me wrong. There was no human on the planet more intimidating than a calm-spoken Jean Innocent.

“ You, sir, are not intimidating in any way, though you think you are. You lied at the party about knowing Innocent and that was your first strike with some people. Lewis even predicted then that you were trolling for a scape goat to prove yourself big man on campus through conflict. He won’t stand-down, its part of his charm, unless you prove him wrong. 

“What you have shown us, thus far, is that you are the new bully on the school-yard and maybe that was what you needed to be in your last assignment. Not here. You will hear this many times so let me be the first to share the phrase. This is Oxford. You have to out-think them here, sir, because frankly, bullies are the butt of humor and have no standing. The nerds rule this city and they have a special hatred for the sort of people who made them miserable as children. They will eat you alive and it will stop us from our ability to keep the doors open and do our jobs.

“You can cock-a-doodle-do all you want, but the sun is not under your command and the nerdy chicken-coop, out there, are not buying the show.” Hathaway suddenly shut up and sighed. He knew he’d probably be in a tall hat the next day.


	28. Chapter 28

Moody was silent for about thirty seconds then he chuckled in a dark rich voice. He took one more look at the DI standing before him with his red face and public school manners and lost it entirely. Tears formed at the side of his eyes and he made great effort and several attempts to keep his laughter contained, before it actually worked. 

“That! That is the most honest thing anyone has said to me since the day I got here.” He finally managed. “You are a smug, over-educated, over-privileged walking cliché and yet, your old man drives a cab? You have a degree in Theology but you’re out here in the trenches enforcing the laws of man? The old codger is the popular kid? Retirement parties look like the London bloody opera. It is my understanding that you are sleeping with half of my Nick and that included your former Chief…and don’t even tell me that isn’t true. You were her escort and your body language on the dance floor showed that was not the first dance, shall we say? And, because you have a framed picture on your sodding desk that leaves no doubt as to the possible interpretation.”

Hathaway smirked and said with humility, “Fifty percent is a greatly exaggerated number, Sir.” 

Moody shakes his head in frustration, “ Nothing in this place makes a damned bit of sense. Your personal life alone should be bleeding guts and garters of discontent all over the place. But guess what? You are all successfully Swinging With the Finkels here and every time…every bloody time I tell someone something, they glance to you, to see your opinion. All I get is yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir! So due to the fact that you are the first one to offer me a single word of advice, if not kindness, I’m going to let you put your money where your mouth is.”

“Excuse me?” Hathaway asked in confusion.

“Show me what the two of you can do and then I will reassess. It seems that ‘HRM’ is of similar opinion. Don’t make me regret seeking her advice. Or yours. Lewis is your responsibility. You say he’s still got it; this is your chance to show me that it’s true. Acceptable?”

“As you say, Sir. Thank you.” 

Moody stands and lowers his chin, looking at James’ shoes and nervously tapping his pencil rubber on his desk. “Hathaway, it has come to my attention that you have recently had a personal bump or two. I don’t know how you and Innocent got away with fraternization in the open without it causing a great deal of back biting and complications in the Nick, but the two of you, despite a vast age difference seemed to manage. I don’t know what you had planned for a future together, but I am sorry for you that it didn’t work out. I can finally see what the two of you had in common. I also wish to apologize for some of my comments about the relationship coming at a less than optimal time and being inappropriate in the first place. Temporary cease fire called?” His eyes glanced up in question.

James couldn’t breathe for a second. “That was actually just…”he began then reconsidered, “She is an amazing woman, and I am just honored to have known her at all. It was an amicable parting, I assure you. Cease fire accepted, Sir.”

“Good. She is amazing. The other night at the party, it wasn’t all a lie. I did train with her for a time. MI6. Well she was a trainer and I was a trainee. I washed out. She got married and joined the force. That has to stay in this room, of course. I had heard rumor that you are a bit of a loose cannon? Thought it might have to do with…” he tilted his head as an end to the sentence.

“DI Lewis has reviewed my somewhat hazardous procedural patterns extensively and we have agreed to acceptable changes in my risk management strategy. Sir.” James didn’t mention that the strategy included regular sessions of exquisite rumpy-pumpy making James oddly unwilling to give up a second of bliss because of a foolish injury.   

“He chewed your arse out, in other words?”

“He tends to do that on a regular basis. Yes.”

“And you listen to him? Still?” Moody looked at him in amused surprise.

James deadpanned with aloof diffidence, “Might I again draw attention to his results?”

“I see. Inform him that he is with you and Maddox for the time being. I expect to be astounded, Hathaway. Carry on.” 

“Thank you, Sir. Afternoon.” James said, making a quick exit.

James left the office looking traumatized and astonished. He made his way to the smoker’s area and lit up, trying to process all that had just happened. Lewis was the first to arrive looking bullheaded and about to explode.

“Well? Should I be gathering statements for the review board? That looked like a P-45 if I ever saw one.” 

“Won’t be necessary.”

“The hell you say? I just got you back and that smarmy, hoo-rah isn’t going to get away with—“

“He didn’t fire me.” Hathaway stated.

“Demotion?” Lewis sighed with pure frustration.

“Not at all. It’s all fine. Good, in fact,” Hathaway said with amusement.

“I’m dying here, bonny lad. Get your gums flapping before me heart goes boom. What happened?”

“He asked for my opinion. I gave it, in brutal detail. He could have fired me and been more than justified. He laughed. Then he took my advice. The down side is your paperclip holiday has expired and you are once again my minion. The extremely down side is we better solve everything that is thrown our way. We are on double secret probation. And Dean Wormer has a boner for us to fail. Can you and your decrepit heart and your senile old brain manage to dodder around after a few bad guys for a while longer?”

“You’re taking the piss.”

James shrugged and grinned genuinely, “I am not. He even apologized for making fun of me right after my lover-superior left me for another. He really felt badly for me. Was concerned my spurned romance had left me fragile.”

“And you said?”

“We parted amicably. Honored to have known her at all. The gentleman’s spiel. Told him you had played a key role in adjusting my risk management challenges. Didn’t tell him precisely how, but he drew his own conclusions based on your sunny disposition.” James smirked and his eyes sparkled with deviltry.

“Good lord, you’re a dab hand at malarkey,” Robbie said with awe.

“Good parenting,” James said keeping his face somewhat straight. 

“You better get back in there and tell them that all is well, or the first case we will have to solve is who started the riot,” Lewis said in relief. 

“Be advised. He and our former fearless leader actually did do some training together.”

“That right?”

“Yep. Watch the water cooler and the toilets, Sir. Probably bugged,” James added.


	29. Chapter 29

James headed to his own flat for a quick change of clothes and to check his mail. He was meeting Robbie at the pub in an hour. They would be on Rota as of tomorrow.   

He had his phone on speaker as he waited for the connections to the cruise liner that had just left port. It technically wasn’t an official call, but he’d inferred it was vital police business. A Breathless Jean Innocent identified herself solemnly. 

“How is the spy who loved me enjoying her retirement?”

“Hathaway? For God’s sake, is someone dead?”

James grinned, “There is always someone dead, Ma’am. My job depends on it.”

“How did you find me? Stupid question. Why? And it better not be to tattle that Joe called you a naughty word again,” She said with warning.

“I called to tell you that Robbie got Hagrid. He’s been remanded to Broadmoor until trial because they couldn’t handle him in lock-up. Also to tell you that I appreciate you interfering and that Robbie is back on the stomp with me.”

“Thank goodness. Is that all? This is expensive, you know.”

“Also wanted to mention that though you broke up with me, it won’t affect my performance at work and that temporary Chief Moody may have not fired me today because he has come to the conclusion that you must have broken my heart , which you have, I assure you, but due to his guilt at making fun of my pain, I am being given a chance to prove myself worthy of his kind guidance. If I fail, and find myself homeless, do you still keep the spare key in the grill of your car?” 

“You still have that bloody picture on your desk, don’t you?”

“I gaze at it longingly and sigh pensively to great effect several times a day.”

There was a sigh. “Hathaway, I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Ma’am.” 

“Is that all?”

“No. Did you bug the water cooler and the toilets, Ma’am?”

There was silence then a casual, “Of course I did. Only way to keep up with you lot.”

“Fare well, my darling. Ring me when you get home, yes? We’ll go for a pint and pretend we are still shagging.”

“Bugger off, you angelic wanker.”

“I will interpret that code phrase as spy talk for undying love, Ma’am.”

“Just email me next time and…Stay out of my house, James.” She instructed before ringing off. 

James walked to the pub and ordered a pint. It was a quiet evening and Robbie had not arrived yet. He stood at the bar waiting for his drink and saw a familiar head sitting alone out in the beer garden. “I need one of whatever he’s having too.” 

“Drinking alone is on Robbie’s safety list of things I am not allowed to do. So I bought this round, Sir.”

Moody looked up in surprise and shook his head like a man sentenced to sod’s law for the rest of his natural life. “Hathaway. Of course.”

James set the whisky down beside his boss and straddled the bench. 

Moody knocked back what remained in his glass and pulled the offered glass toward him. “Ta.”

“Tough day, Sir?” James asked pleasantly. 

“I work in a bloody zoo. Do you realise…no you like it there. I hate my job.” He looks over at James, “I hate you. The whole lot of you is boiling water for chocolate teapots. I left London for…nerds. Barmy sexually deviant…boffins.”

“It will get better, Sir.” James snickered then sipped his beer.

“Don’t be nice to me. You probably want to shag Me…as well.”

“You are devastatingly handsome, sir,” James agreed gravely.

“Shut up. And Don’t…I mean don’t …shag your sergeant. You aren’t are you? God, you probably wouldn’t tell me if you were. How are you here?”

“I walked. I just live a little ways away.”

“No. How do you have time? Do you sleep? I mean I have been combing your logs. You worked one-hundred and eight hours five weeks in a row. That is insanity, man. One week you worked one-hundred and thirty. That is less than six hours a day off. You have to shower and brush your teeth, eat...well, you don’t eat obviously, but still.. You were on life support and back at work, what, two-three weeks later? Plus you are keeping what seven or eight lovers on the side and they all get along so you must be making them happy…god knows I can’t keep one. Bloody police work. You really are Boy Wonder. Like one of those sparkly vampires that don’t sleep.”

“I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair. Tennyson. Have to pull my weight, sir.”

Moody snorted a laugh. “I said that. God, I called that one wrong. Hurry up. My round."

“Are you driving, Sir?”

“Me? Nooooo. Temporary let.” He pointed up.

Moody returned to the table with the drinks and flopped down. 

“Do you come here? It’s a boring little place. Food’s good though. The chips are crisp. I hate potatoes once they go soggy. Have to soak them and double fry them to get them right. I ordered us some. You need food.” Moody said as if Hathaway was just some random friend.

James’ phone rang. It was Robbie wanting to skive off for the night. He asked him to just come to the house. “Well, I am in fact already here. I have made a new friend. His initials begin with DCS. We are going to eat some chips and…chat.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“You made a new friend? Where is he?” Moody asked sarcastically. 

“So. Tell me all about…something or other?” James asked.

Moody sighed, “Two ex-wives, three kids, only see much of one of them. Girlfriend wouldn’t leave bloody London and here I am. You?”

“Studied eight years to be a priest. I didn’t go through final ordination. Dove into the trenches and now here I am, ten years later. Oh and I am shagging twelve point three percent of your nick not even close to half.” James said.

“Boffin. Deviant Boffin. Father Deviant Boffin. That’s if I only believe half of what I hear.” Moody said shaking his head. “Do you still talk to Jean?”

“Spoke to her tonight.”

“Thought she was on a cruise?”

“She is. Told me to stay out of her house. “

“Wow, this is the bloody twilight zone. I have entered another dimension. Is there anyone in this city who is normal?”

“Not particularly. Are you normal?”

Moody smiled and raised his eyebrows. “I used to be.” He laughed again. “Long ago and far away.”

“What Happened?” James asked lighting a cigarette.

“Food at last.” Moody said in relief. The two of them ate silently. They were just finishing when Robbie and Laura arrived.

“Hello.” Laura said as she took a moment to put down her purse and set her wine down. “Robbie had two pints in his hand and another glass of whisky for Moody.

Moody looked up as if he were about to be flogged. He and James both stood. Laura leaned across and kissed James on the cheek.

“Doctor Hobson. A pleasure.” Moody said sincerely, but obviously not including Robbie. 

They took their seats again and everyone stared awkwardly. Laura took it upon herself to start the conversation. “So, how are you finding, Oxford. You were down in London, right?”

“The truth, it is the twilight zone. My Nick is a shambles and most of my colleagues are fruitcakes,” he pointedly looked at James and tilted his head slightly as he loudly whispered, “He’s their king.”

“Yes. Poor Jean retired just to get away from these two. Have you told him about James jumping into the lake of sewage with knives? There was an email war for weeks about who would pay for his suit,” Laura said conspiratorially. 

Moody listened as Robbie told the tale. He was laughing and feeling no pain as that story was finished. Another round was bought and Moody even relaxed and told some amusing stories of his own cases. They stayed until nearly closing though they got chilly and moved inside. 

Laura looked at James and asked with her expression if he was coming home with them. “I called a cab. Can we drop you off?” She asked Moody.

He assured her he was fine and just had to walk upstairs.

“It was delightful to get to know you better,” Laura offered politely.

“Thank you all, truly. Doesn’t mean I won’t be ball-busting tomorrow, but I haven’t had a more pleasant evening since coming here,” Moody said kindly. He shook both Robbie and James’ hands and they all parted for the evening. 

In the cab home, James looked out the window and commented, “He’s alone. Like I used to be. Except I never knew the difference and he does.”

Robbie placed his hand on James thigh, “That was my trouble. I knew the difference too. I’d be hard pressed to go back to that. Guess we could cut him a bit of slack.”

“I was never lonely. I always had lots of friends. He doesn’t seem to.” Laura added.

They were all quiet on the ride home. 


	30. Chapter 30

It was six am when all three of their phones began going off. There was a bit of a scramble to get each buzzing contraption to the right owner. They all made haste to find their own quiet corner so that the background noise of the others talking didn’t give them away with blatant certainty.

There was a body. They were summoned. The morning rush began, coordinating three fast showers, car keys, wallets and enough coffee and toast to make facing the darkness and drizzle outside conceivable. On barely six hours of sleep and the dry mouthed bleariness of near-hangover grinding at will and enthusiasm, the three of them were a gloomy lot with little patience. 

“Which of you clogged my sink with toothpaste and whiskers!” Laura blurted with disgust.

“It’s been draining like that for weeks, love. I will get to it soon as I can.” Robbie said without his normal warmth.

“Robert, we need to go. You still have to drop me at the flat to pick up my car.” James demanded.

“I’m old and slow. Which is why you are done, because you got the first shower.” Robbie fired back.

“And most of the hot water, I might mention.” Laura said with irritation.

“Your water heater is ridiculously small. I took less than three minutes.” James defended.

They bickered all the way out the door. 

By the time they reached the scene, they had their game faces on. Greeting each other as if for the first time of the day and secretly smirking at how easy it was to fly under the radar of the world, they got to business. 

James was the last to arrive, being the one supposedly in charge. “What have we got?” he asked, addressing Maddox. 

“Former student, turned junky. Found by flatmate. Dead more than twenty-four hours. Flat-mate discovered her at five fourteen, by the nine-nine-nine call. Looks like overdose. No note and flat-mate has alibi. Just accidental more than likely.”

Hathaway studied the dead girl pensively. “No.”

“Sir?” Lizzy asked.

“Her track marks. She’s right-handed. If she were able to inject ambidextrously or had a friend doing it, both arms would be of similar condition. Her right arm is smooth. Injection scars on legs, feet and left arm, nothing on right but this needle. Get prints. They will be wrong.”

Laura agreed. “She has no fresh injection sights. Either a relapse with the help of a friend or…”

“Murder.” James finished. 

Robbie interjected, “I have just spoken with the flat-mate. Iron clad alibi, but something isn’t right. Said she warned her that this would happen. She and the boyfriend were at their engagement party and with family all week. Just returned, but why come back mid-week and in the middle of the night? Family is up by Liverpool. Why not take the extra days and have the weekend too. Tomorrow is a bank holiday. Seems off.” Lewis observed. 

“What does Laura say?” Hathaway asked.

“Died in last twenty four hours of an unknown substance overdose, probably heroine. Long term user, but not recently. Under-weight, suffering from jaundice and severe gum disease. Other than that? If I thought she’d self-injected I would rule suicide, but she couldn’t have, because her tourniquet is sitting on the kitchen counter and she would not have made it in here, needle still in arm, from there. Someone assisted her, at the very least and if that needle was full, it was obviously lethal.”

“Not an accident?” James clarified.

“Depends on concentration, but my guess is no,” Laura said. “So while you two do the detectivey bits, I have two more shouts with lots of snarky morning people standing around twiddling their thumbs. It was a busy night in Oxford.”

“Who has those?” James asked.

“Davies – drowning in Cherwell. Martin – fire in Jericho. God, I hate crispies and floaters.” Laura looked up at Robbie and James and realised what she had said could have been them a long time ago. “Sorry. I didn’t mean.”

“Jericho and fire. Glad it’s Martin.” Robbie said with a shudder.

James looked over at Robbie, “Wouldn’t bother me, super- hero, I was a bit too relaxed to care and it mitigated my trauma.”

“I still have back problems. Me spine wasn’t meant to take the weight of all that smart-arsery you carry around on your shoulders. I am traumatized. Where’s my money?” Lewis said with faux gruffness. 

“I am very poor. I would consider taking out the settlement in some sort of trade.” he added suggestively under his breath.

Lewis blushed then shook his head, “Laura has a clogged sink, start there.”

James looked offended. “I was offering something more along the lines of sexual favors. Not muck work.”

Robbie laughed and raised his eyebrows. “You assume they are mutually exclusive.”

James suddenly gets it. “Laura has a thing for plumbers?”

“No. Laura has a thing for detectives…obviously.” Laura interjected with a glance around to make sure nobody could hear.

James looked at Robbie, comprehension slowly dawning, “Noooooo.”

Robbie shrugged and grinned. “What can I say?”

“Ohhhh. I shall be off to Oxfam to buy some disgusting baggy rags with which to display my plumber’s cleavage.” James said quietly but in a sultry voice. 

Laura rolled her eyes and whispered, “Just make sure you clean up after any burst pipes.”

Robbie made chicken fettuccini for dinner. It was strangely black on top and sort of looked like melted pinkish snakes inside. Laura deemed it Tapeworm-surprise and took a shower until the water turned cold. 

Robbie stabbed at his plate and looked like he could spit nails.   

“Well, it tastes fine.” James said indicating he wanted a second helping. 

Robbie dished the sloppy mess up and perked up a bit. “I’m glad you like it. Just added a little tomato sauce. Didn’t know it would make it that color.”

“Don’t mine her. She had 6 shouts today. All of them pretty icky.” James said to soothe him.

Robbie nodded, “Rained all day too. Guess we will just have to work to sweeten her up tonight.” 

They were a bit disappointed to find her sound asleep already. They came back down stairs and turned on the telly. James kept looking at Robbie and Robbie smiled and put his hand on James thigh. 

A few minutes later Robbie, never taking his eyes off the screen asked, “Somethings on your mind. Better talk about it.”

James sighed, and chewed the nail on his thumb. 

Robbie clicked the remote and shut of the screen, “I made you a good meal of chicken and pink worms, so you nibbling your nails can’t be out of hunger and usually means you are nervous, guilty or both. Come on, lad. What have you got rumbling up there in that head of yours?”

“She’s asleep and…you know it has always been the three of us. Not complaining, mind. Just…do you think she’d be bothered?” James asked.

Robbie looked over at James, “I don’t see why? You and she had a bit if fun, if I recall?”

“Bad example.” James winced. 

They were quiet for a couple of minutes.

Robbie squeezed his hand.

“It’s just. We have a lovely time but, well, you and I have never…”

“Something in particular?”

James hung his head, humiliated. “I want you.”

“You have me, lad.”

“No…inside me.” James said shyly.

That got Robbie’s attention. He took a deep breath and blew it out. 

“If you don’t want to, I understand,” James covered quickly.

Robbie met his eyes and tilted his head. “Of course I want to.”

“I don’t mean to be selfish. It’s just the first time. I would like it to be…”

Robbie took a deep breath and held it as he considered, he finally said, “Right. Suppose that would be for the best because who knows. We may be bollocks at it.”

James frowns, “You never?”

Lewis shakes his head with a smirk. “No, lad. We never got up to that. Painfully tame by today’s standards, in fact.”

“Oh.” He seemed surprised and disconcerted. He was quiet then finally glanced at Robbie.

A small patient smile was on his face as he waited for James to look at him. Robbie squeezed James’ knee reassuringly. “We are bloody good detectives. I bet with your brain and my hard-headedness, we can figure out the fiddly bits. So long as you trust me.”

James blushed and smiled, peeping at Robbie as he nodded. 


	31. Chapter 31

An hour later James looked into Robbie’s eyes as he slowly pushed into his body. It was more painful than James expected but he’d dreamed of it for so long that it simply added to his arousal. His eyes rolled back and he moaned softly. 

Robbie froze and breathing deeply he shook as he restrained himself and croaked out, “James?”

James nodded but couldn’t seem to make words. 

“There are not enough soft words in the world to tell you how much you mean to me, bonny lad. Please say if I need to…stop.”

“I love you,” James whispered and wiggled a bit. 

Robbie pulled back slowly and moved forward again, like a bow on a violin. When he changed the angle from D to A, James groaned, eyes wide and whispered, “Oh God. That. Again. More.” 

It was a pathetically short interval before James was shuddering and holding his breath as his body gave in to this long awaited moment. The sounds he made and the spasms created once he let go took Robbie’s will to fight and he followed James gritting his teeth as if in pain and closing his eyes as his brain whited out in sensation. 

They lay in stunned silence. “We are going to do that again,” James said with firm awe. 

Robbie snickered then said, “Oh Yes. But not tonight.”

It wasn’t exactly that they didn’t mean to tell Laura, but it turned into a very busy morning and they were both up and gone before she awoke. 

Nobody was as good at chilled politeness as Laura Hobson. So both of them noticed, but, Dr. Cook was back and he always brought out the spitfire in her so they thought little of it.  

They spent most of the day trying to find someone who was willing to talk about their overdose victim. Strangely, after interviewing three people, a neighbor, a former professor and her landlady, they had three nearly identical descriptions right down to the choice of words used to describe her personality. 

“She was a scattered girl, but sweet. She made friends easily enough but they rarely stuck with her for long. She could be stubborn and tended toward silence rather than conflict. There was something odd about her as if she could read minds and didn’t like what she found. Her roommate and she were not close. She had an affair with the fiancé and the relationship was quite cold and distant since.” 

It was altogether a pretty unproductive day, not generating a single solid lead. James had spent some time searching through her social media but her friend list was massive and full of Candy Crush gamers and gift exchange pals rather than actual people she knew in the real world. 

They returned to Laura’s to find her still at work and not coming home any time soon. 

Robbie slid up behind James who was chopping something or other for the salad he was beginning. James leaned into his embrace and hummed with satisfied contentment. 

“Leave that. We will do take away later. I have something far better planned for your time.” Robbie pulled him closer making certain there was no doubt in the younger man’s mind that his intention involved getting starkers immediately. 

“Laura will be hungry when she gets home,” James hedged. 

“I’m hungry now and not for a quick graze. I could barely keep me hands off of you today. Haven’t been this peckish for…well, a long time.” Robbie’s hand roamed lower and found his answer. 

James let his own desire rumble in his chest as he turned in place and dropped his head to Robbie’s shoulder. “You hid it well enough. I could barely move that I wasn’t reminded and that led to reactions at the most inappropriate moments. Crime scene wood is still frowned upon so Ta for that.”

“Oh. Right. So, are you…”

“Do finish that sentence? Am I too sore? No. Up for more rumpy-pumpy? Absolutely. Going to last longer than the first time? Doubtful. Madly in love with you? Unequivocally yes,” James murmured as he planted kisses on the side of Robbie’s neck for additional punctuation. 

Robbie slipped his hand down the back of James trousers, inside his pants and squeezed the firm flesh of the younger man’s, artistically contoured from years of rowing, bum. His other hand guided James by the neck to bring their lips together. James was lustfully malleable and virtually arduous in his submissive desire. It was a heady feeling for Robbie to know that someone so closed off most of the time could let those barriers drop and be so vulnerable in his longing just for him. He had no idea what he’d done in life to deserve it. 

There was a trust factor here that made Robbie feel a tingle of power. In the back of his mind, he knew that this young beautiful creature would probably submit to any wish he could dream or imagine. It was a writhing bundle of serpents, that knowledge and understanding. 

On the one hand it was flattering to be wanted to that level and an honor to be trusted so completely. Sure, it was a huge temptation to see how hard he could push and selfishly take what he wanted, but the knowledge alone was the libido bomb. Robbie would never ever hurt this lovely man and the awareness that he could damage him so easily also fed his own need to protect and serve, so to speak. 

Just as he had been with Val, he liked being the one to safeguard and shield James. It was no burden to him, that James was a bit fragile here and there. The possibilities of why James was fragile were things best kept in check because for Robbie, those things rumbled with a rage that Robbie was a little afraid to explore. The corners of that darkness were too monstrous to reveal. 

Monkfort had been pathetic and assuaged some of what he felt for the evil that had taken his Valerie. If someone intentionally harmed his James, the wrath of God would be welcomed by the poor soul when Robbie finished with him.

All of these thoughts were simmering in the cauldron of Robbie’s long dormant pleasure seeking need and James’ poverty of love was like jet fuel. His breath hitched and quickened and escaped his chest with a moan as his body, obsessed with the scent of James’ skin and the willingness of the flesh under his fingertips, began to crackle with the instincts of a hunter. There was not enough time in the world to fully sate this new craving. 

A trail of clothing, left like breadcrumbs and stones followed them to the spare room as if hoping they would eventually follow it out of the twisting forest before it grew dark. 

As Robbie entered James this time, he lost his ability to offer controlled gentle caresses and his selfish body took over as if something inhuman thrashed at the puppet strings. Robbie could see himself pounding into James as if he had no other purpose on earth but the sensations were beyond his ability to master. The world was red with his need. 

James was cheering the monster inside Robert on with his loud grunts and Lewis had never heard the sort of words loudly egging him on, come out of his uptight former sergeant’s mouth. “Harder. Break me…God yes…fuck me, Robbie. I would do anything to make you come. I can’t …oh please _… frontem tabernae sopionibus scribam_ ,” James said as he convulsed and added his seed to the bounty of sweat on their abdomens. 

Robbie was beyond words and his own pleasure sounded similar to someone taking an unexpected fall as James’ body clamped and kneaded him prolonging his shudders with tight clinching that blocked his flow then relaxed to welcome and draw his essence before clamping down again, as if torture were part of the pleasure itself. Robbie screamed in a final surrender as he collapsed and continued to shudder with aftershocks, unable to control any part of his body, simply swept away with a tide of sensation in pure helpless animal pleasure. Breath itself was a secondary consideration and he simply rode out the wave unable to do more than hope he didn’t sink below the water and never come back up. 

Robbie’s very lips buzzed with each beat of his heart as he tried to form words, “Tell me I haven’t damaged you, me lad?” 

James laughed and it sent painful sparks to Robbie and he reacted by pulling out to escape the now painful sensation. “Oh God. Lad. We didn’t even use a johnnie. I’m sorry.”

James’ let burst a wince of displeasure. “Well, you didn’t hurt me before, but the dismount could have been better executed…Fuck.” 

Robbie clumsily moved his head to the scene of the crime and in a matter of fact manner examined James for any sign of injury or blood. “What are you…”

“Shush, you. I was not in control of that and You will not lie to me or hide it if I have done you harm.” 

James sucked in his breath and waited, turning pink with humiliation. “Enough. Obviously, I am fine and you are just perving.” 

Robbie snickered. “Detective Inspector…Hathaway, isn’t it? You are a vison. Give a poor old man a moment to admire his handywork.” 

James’ eyes bulged slightly in incredulity. “Poor old man? Seriously? You just buggered me into the bloody mattress. If this is how you perform in your doddering, I wouldn’t have survived the experience ten years ago.” 

“Oh, no doubt. But then again I had not denied my craving of you for such a long expanse of time so the two may have equaled out and you’d just be tired of me by now,” Robbie replied with loving sarcasm. 

“Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love,” James quoted.

“I doubt I ever thought of Shakespeare while covered in fluids best not viewed under a black light.” Robbie smirked and lovingly ran his finger through James’ short cropped hair. “Think we can both squeeze in that little shower at the same time?” 

“Perhaps, if we can forego the hope of sword crossing. I am done for, you randy old man. You have utterly shagged the life out of me.” James sighed and smiled with apologetic but contented love. 

“I have never lost control like that. Not once in me life. I don’t quite know what to think of it just yet,” Robbie confessed. 

“I thought it brilliant, if it happens to matter. You leave me shattered. Every time I think that it can’t get any bigger, it transforms my view of the eons.”

“Is that posh for I rock your world?” Robbie deadpanned in his best Geordie. “You were praying in the end there, again.”

James cleared his throat and smirked. “It was Latin. It was anything but prayer.”

“What did you say, then?”

James chewed his lip and shrugged a little, “It was a quote from the poems of Gaius Valerius Catullus and it basically translates to ‘I want to draw your cartoonishly large cock on the public tavern’ for the world to see.”

Robbie looks scandalized. “Right. Why the bloody hell would you want to do that?”

James rolls his eyes and snorts a laugh. “In the moment, I wanted to brag to anyone that I was currently impaled upon Excalibur …so to speak.” 

“Thank you. I think. Go on with you and your catoonishly large brain. Maybe the water will cool it off a bit, I think it is smoking.”

“Speaking of smoking…”James looked like he could chain smoke a whole pack. 

“Shower first. I might want to snog you while I soap your willie. Never had any complaints before…just normal size you daft sod.” Robbie tossed over his shoulder. 

“Oh, I wasn’t complaining, but don’t pretend that is less than truncheon sized, Sir. Felt pretty massive from my personal perspective. Until you consider the reverse position, you will just have to take my word.” James lectured as he turned on the taps and adjusted the water. From behind him he heard a frustrated sigh. 

James turned to see what had happened or what he’d said that caused that sound. He burst out giggling between the look on Robbie’s face and the massive erection he was again sporting. “Well, I would say that is an affirmative answer to that question. Glad we got that sorted.” 

Robbie narrowed his eyes and growled, “Shut up. Just stop talking, right now.”

James stepped into the shower and Robbie followed only to discover that James and he did not fit in the small enclosure without some sword crossing logistical issues. The warm soapy water and the twinkle in both of their eyes ended in a need for a second wash in fast cooling water and both of them leaning on the wall to keep from collapsing in trembling exhaustion. 

They pulled on pajamas and would both have preferred a collapse into the welcoming bed, but they could hear Laura had finally arrived home and felt obligated to greet her and find something edible before bed.

Laura was home and still snippy. 

She was standing at the counter forking Chinese onto her plate.   “I ordered in, seeing nothing but some salad scraps and a mess on my counter to indicate any plans for some ungodly semblance of a meal gone slightly off the scale of appetizing.” 

“Sorry. I was making a salad but Robbie …”

“I really don’t care. At this moment, I am tired and famished and I have had to hold my tongue all bloody day and do six times the normal amount of work. Not even speaking to me would be your best option for the moment.” She brushed past James without meeting his eyes and added, “Help yourselves. Then kindly tidy up your mess and if it isn’t too much trouble, unclog my sink you buggered up with man-debris. ” 

Robbie and James exchanged fearful glances and silently bumped shoulders in solidarity before entering the sitting room with full plates and an extra cuppa for Laura. 


	32. Chapter 32

Laura’s mood had not improved. James and Robbie looked guilty and Lizzy looked confused as they spoke to her about the PM on their dead girl. 

“So she defiantly died of an overdose?” Robbie asked not knowing why she was acting so clipped and disgusted.

“No!” Laura nearly shouted. 

Robbie looked down at the report and read aloud, “Complications associated with acute reaction to heroin overdose?” He looked up at her as if she had lost her mind. 

“Yes. Exactly.” Laura nodded.

James frowned and Lizzy looked to James to clarify that she was not following this whole conversation.   “I am sorry, Laura, but I don’t think I am following you?” James asked with his most patient calm face plastered in place. 

Laura sighed and parked her bum on a stool. “I know. We don’t understand either and that is the problem. Heroin overdose is a myth.”

Lizzy smiled one of those kind smiles she reserves for those who have gone completely round the twist. “But, people die of it all the time. What do you mean by myth?”

Laura leaned back against the wall, obviously tired. “Okay. First look at the wording. Nobody dies of a heroin overdose. They die from that phrase right there which is our secret catch all for what we have no explanation for.   It is habit. Here is the thing, there have been studies in which people were given extreme overdose among both addicts and those who had never taken heroin before. Some survived ten times the lethal dose without a change in heart rate. With medical supervision, there is no reason for anyone to ever die from an opiate like morphine or even street heroin. We have the antidote. There are other factors. Without medical intervention, a person can go into a coma and die from respiratory failure, which is…”

“A complication of overdose, but not the direct result of pharmacological poison from the overdose,” James volunteered. 

Laura pointed at James and grinned, “Precisely. Now for the thing that most often gets them? Class?” 

“Massive pulmonary edema,” Lizzy answers at once. 

Laura nods. “For some unexplained reason, both addicts and first time or casual users suddenly collapse. Their lungs fill with fluid and thus the pretty froth we all know and love. Once it was assumed that this was a sign that heroin or ‘opiate of the day’ had caused this. Too much? Mixed with something horrible? Bad batch? Took something like barbiturates or alcohol too?   All of those things complicate our answer, but here is the other side. Most addicts are very predictable. True, they slowly increase their dosage over time but they know where their high is and that is all they want. It is their normal. They have rewired their brains. Yes?” 

The other three nodded.

“Okay, this is usually not some lonely person shooting up in secret, though of course that happens too. But lots of the time these kids are sharing their batch with six or ten of their closest fellows. Thus we have an epidemic of blood born diseases in the population. If a bad batch was the answer, they would die as a group. But it is always just one. Also, death from over indulgence of this sort of substance takes at least an hour. They fall into a stupor then coma and they sometimes take twelve hours to expire when this has been used as a very expensive suicide. They just get so sedated they stop breathing. So what causes one person to suddenly collapse and be dead within minutes like our girl here? We don’t have a bloody clue so we hide it in mumbo jumbo and perpetuate this myth. That is what I mean and what I said.” Laura finished. 

“Then the question is? Was she murdered if this is unpredictable?” Robbie asked.

“No. It is murder if she were injected against her will or if that syringe were full for her alone. She would have been sedated enough to stop breathing. The concentration will be known once I get those results back. The thing about heroin is that it is hard to know what was there at the time of death. It dissipates if you will. We can detect it was there sometimes, but I will have to estimate the concentration and dosage size. There won’t be a blood test telling you she had such and such amount in her system.” 

“Could someone have figured out how to trigger the collapse?” James wondered out loud.

“It is possible. But, researchers have been trying to figure it out in order to prevent it since the seventies. I won’t say it is impossible, but…”

“Improbable.” James finished.

“So it is murder, but we have bugger-all to prove it is homicide.” Robbie sighed.

“You Get the prize!” Laura said pointing at Robbie!

“If we can’t convict, there is not much point in pursuing.” Robbie said with frustration. “What a waste.”

“Moody will have a woobly.” Lizzy agreed.

“Hold on.” James said. “You explained this to us. Who else would know?”

“Anyone who has dealt with it before.” Laura shrugged.

“We can still solve it. Charge the help-mate with accessory or failure to seek medical aid for a person in life threatening distress. We can trump up all sorts of things once we figure out who it was.” Lizzy added at once on the same page as her boss. 

“Good. Now go away. I have a migraine. And his name is Dr. Cook.” 

Lizzy, James and Robbie sat outside a little coffee shop and enjoyed the 30 seconds of sun they were blessed with for the week. It was a little chilly and damp, but the sun peeping from the clouds now and again made it worth it. They went round and round discussing what they had learned from Laura. 

It was a difficult thing to wrap their head around in the whole. The person who injected the girl may have planned for her to die and she did, but was that coincidental because intent would be hard to prove with just an estimated dosage. What if they pursued and found a poor lass in worst circumstance then her junkie-BFF had been, who had shared part of the dose? Then it became even more murky, depending on intent. So, it was vital that they find out what had happened before they decided. Moody would weigh the benefit of investigation further if they told him what they knew so far and it was standard practice to just let it be ruled as closed unless further evidence was introduced.   

James grew quiet as he contemplated the fact that one conversation could change your perception of all you believed. It was happening rather regularly to him these days and he silently thanked his creator for allowing him so many chances to finally get life figured out. 

Robbie glanced at James and did a double take. His James was radiating happiness. He had never seen it on the man’s face for more than a flash from time to time. Lewis leaned back in his chair and sighed in contentment. “Sirs? You might want to tuck your bromance back in a bit. Not only is it showing, but you have lost the plot entirely.” Lizzy said calmly as she sipped her coffee. She pulled out her mirror and realised the two of them had been silently letting her sit in public with a huge glob of foam on her nose. 

They burst out laughing. 

“I work for juvenile tossers,” She announced to the sky, then joined in.

* * *

 

I did the best I could, explaining about the heroin myth. Here is a good article on it if you are interested. Of course I had to simplify it for the purposes of the story. Thanks for reading and I appreciate your comments more than you know. 

[ http://www.druglibrary.org/schaffer/Library/studies/cu/cu12.htm ](http://www.druglibrary.org/schaffer/Library/studies/cu/cu12.htm)


End file.
